


Restless Waters

by OnlyOneWoman



Series: Belize Shadow [8]
Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, Babysitting, Brothers, Burglary, Canon-Typical Violence, Caring, Crimes & Criminals, Derdrian, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Fear, Feelings, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Homophobic family, Hospitalization, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, Love, Lovers, M/M, Nightmares, Non-Penetrative Sex, Reconciliation, Serious Injuries, Trauma, Trust Issues, Uncle-Niece Relationship, Unexpected Visitors, Violent Crimes, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2018-12-26 01:16:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 65
Words: 30,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12048291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyOneWoman/pseuds/OnlyOneWoman
Summary: The next part of Belize Shadow series, a follow-up to "Shores In Flames" and the time gap between the last chapter in that story and the first one here, is not decided yet. TW: violence. Of course, canon is changed, but that's a given in any of my stories. The chapters will, as in "Shores..." be devided between Adrian's and Deran's perspectives.Trigger warning: There will be some canon-typical violence in this part, but I wont make a TW for each chapter where it might occur, because I don't want to spoil. I take it for granted that the Animal Kingdom fans reading this, can take the same kind of violence in a fic as in the show.





	1. Adrian

”Eat.”  
  
Something crumbly is put in his mouth, almost gentle. Wet lemon muffin shoved in with a spoon and he swallows. Has learned not to spit it out unless he wants a punch and he needs the sugar. Any nourishment will do if he’s to stay calm without passing out.  
  
Calm. He would laugh was he not busy trying not to cry. Adrian has no idea what day it is, if it’s day or night or even how long he’s been here, wherever here is. He swallows the last mouthful of the sickly sweet goo along with the tears he’s got left. There’s a wound on his right shin, from a steel toe-cap or something like it, and although it may not be broken, it’s probably cracked and has been splintered. Walking, not to speak of running, would be impossible even without the handcuffs attaching him to some kind of pipe. How long has he been here?  
  
He’s barely swallowed the few mouthfuls when he hears the scramble of a bucket and his pants are roughly tugged down. The smell and humiliation are temporarily clouded by both the fear of getting more hurt and the relief at least not having to soil his pants. The man who’s helped him even takes the bucket out, sparing him a little of the smell. Then, the sound of a door closing and locking echos and afterwards… silence.  
  
Or not. Adrian’s crying. The blindfold works as a useless, already wet tissue and he doesn’t dare to remove it even if he’s alone and the room, judging by what little the sliver of space between the handkerchief and his cheekbones reveals to him, is dark.  
  
Why’s he here? The last thing he remembers, is locking the shop after some late night work and unlocking the car. He’d just sent a text to… _Oh, God… Deran…_ He can’t think of Deran, can’t think of him because… Too late. The silent tears have turned into violent sobs, his whole body is shaking and he tries to muffle the sounds in the bend of his arm. The message he was forced to leave… what if Deran had picked up the phone and…   
  
It’s not fair. Not that Adrian’s ever been one to imagine life would be fair, the odds for things to turn extremely unfair within seconds are far too big and he’s seen enough of that first hand. Only idiots think of life as something that will be fair. Good, innocent people die every day without deserving it in wars, natural disasters, fucking accidents… Expecting fairness is even more stupid than hoping luck will help you out. The only thing Adrian knows is useful in a situation like this, is to be as unprovocative as possible, not giving these people any reason to use more violence and above all, stay calm and not giving in to panic.  
  
He lays down on the side, curled up in fetus position and tries to calm himself, failing miserably.


	2. Deran

He manages to stay away for two days. Anger and keeping yourself occupied is the best protection there is from being abandoned and Deran has a lot of both, once the initial shock is over. How dare he? How fucking dare Adrian just leave like this? Like a fucking coward pussy with a pathetic message on the voicemail! Deran’s never felt so tricked, so absolutely foolish in his whole damn life and the second day of furious working, he’s impossible for anyone to be around for longer than a few minutes, snapping when he’s not walking around in silent fury. That protection is smashed to pieces when he, foolishly, decides to see if Adrian’s actually left.  
  
It’s late when he drives to the dark apartment, breaking in with the same crowbar he swore never to use again. This time he couldn’t care less about the window.  
  
The bathroom is clean, but not cleared. Adrian’s razor and toothbrush are in their usual places and in the bedroom, the computor is still on the desk and there are clothes on the chair, among them a well-known, blue hoodie and Deran stupidly grabs it and buries his nose in it. A low, pitiful whimper slips him and he sinks down on the unmade bed. Adrian’s not slept in it very often the last weeks and he’s definately not left. Adrian would never leave his boards behind and Deran feels sick, realising something’s happened and it’s all Deran’s fault.  
  
Someone found out, someone Deran’s crossed – and he’s crossed a lot of people over the years – found out about him and Adrian and used it to… to what? Deran’s not recieved any threats or demands, no calls, texts or notes about a ransom or anything which means… No. _No, no, no, he mustn’t go there! Stop, Deran, shut the fuck up and think. Think, goddammit, you fucking idiot! Think!_ Who knows about them? Who has a bone to pick with Deran, because it’s very unlikely with Adrian, and decided to use their relationship to get back on him?  
  
Thinking is hard while panicking and it’s not as if Deran doesn’t know how his world works. Smurf’s always pointed out the importance of not taking unnecessairy risks and not involving others, but not experiencing murder first hand, doesn’t mean Deran has any difficulties picturing a lot of people more than willing to put a bullet in a strangers head for the right amount of money. Too many people don’t need any other reason than the money, or loyalty. Deran’s stomach makes a violent turn and he stumbles into the bathroom and throws up.  
  
He’s lost time already, the many calls and messages he’s left have remained unanswered and with trembling fingers he dials Pope’s number, not Craig’s.  
  
”Deran, where are you?”  
”You gotta come… gotta come here, man…”  
”Hey, hey, slow down. Where are you?”  
”Adrian’s place. You… He’s not here, you gotta…”  
”Just stay there, I’m coming.”


	3. Adrian

They’re arguing. Loud, impatient voices all of them. Three, as far as he can hear. Two men and one woman. He doesn’t know why, but it makes him feel slightly more calm. Female voices, most of us have learned to see as a sign of safety. Care. Thinking of how Smurf is should be a remedy against that, but Adrian’s only human and the human mind is deceitful. So is the heart.  
  
He was just a kid when he met Deran and none of them understood what kind of business the Cody family was into. To them, it was natural and questions were rarely answered so they stopped asking. Adrian liked the big house with all the expensive toys, but Deran always seemed more comfortable elsewhere. The beach, the skateboard rink, or even the mall even though Adrian never had any money and Deran didn’t like shopping. Later Adrian realised it was more about getting away from something than going somewhere.   
  
He’s closing his eyes, not that he needs to with the blindfold, and tries to shut the noises and fear out, focusing on the memories. They were both shy back then. Gangly kids with scraped knees and knuckles, sharp elbows and in constant fear as well as admiration of Pope and Craig, with Smurf like an allknowing shadow in the background.   
  
Deran and Adrian. _Deranandadrian_. They went to the same school, same classes and then of course, they both discovered surfing. They were more or less inseparable years before it became something more, long before any of them understood where the money actually came from and in a way, what choices did Deran really have, with a family like that? Considering how Smurf pulled so many of the brother’s friends and girlfriends into her web, it’s a fucking mystery how Deran managed to keep Adrian out. Protected him from his brothers, from the bad sides of the life the Cody’s lived, but most of all from Smurf.  
  
It’s taken some time for Adrian to understand how Deran thinks when it comes to his mother, but it’s started to clear a little. Deran wasn’t lying or even in denial when he said it wasn’t about Smurf, when Adrian confronted him after the restroom incident. He simply couldn’t see it, he was too close and unable to take a step back before Adrian did.  
  
The voices are lower now and there are no steps closing. Adrian can’t think of anything anyone would gain from this, was it not for Deran. No one in their right mind is kidnapping a fucking surfboard shop owner who’s not part of any criminal activities to get something from him personally. No this, Adrian realises as the fear decreases enough to think clear again, most likely has something to do with Deran, or maybe not even him, but the Cody’s. Pope may have thrown Dave off a boat, but he would never have anyone hurt someone Deran cares about and neither would Craig. And Smurf…?   
  
Adrian forces the thought away before finishing it. She may not like Adrian being so close to Deran, but she’d never hurt her _baby_ like this. _Would she?_


	4. Deran

”I just know something’s happened, Pope. He wouldn’t just leave, not like this!”  
”You didn’t have a fight or anything?”  
”Jesus, no!”  
”Okay, okay, calm down. Had to ask.”  
  
Deran knows that, it’s the reasonable thing to do, but he’s not functioning right now. This just went from Adrian _leaving_ him to Adrian being fucking… taken and Deran’s so scared, so fucking terrified all he can see is a line of horrible alternatives Adrian’s being put through.  
  
”I swear, if anything’s happened to him…”  
  
Pope grabs his shoulders with both hands, hard and steady, peering his disturbingly calm gaze into Deran’s eyes.  
  
”We’ll _find_ him, man, but you gotta start fucking _think_. How was he the last time you saw him?”  
”I don’t know… like usual, I guess…”  
”Didn’t seem angry, scared, distracted…?”  
  
Deran shakes his head.   
  
”No. We… he was supposed to have dinner, at the bar. Never showed.”  
”And before that? Think, Deran. Were you surfing, sleeping, fucking, drinking, what?”  
”Surfing. In the morning.”  
”And how was he then?”  
”As usual, man!”  
”And how’s usual with _you_ , Deran? Did anything seem odd? Did it seem like he was about to break up with you, abandon his shop and just leave?”  
”No.”  
”And you’ve not had any stupid shit between you?”  
”Not since… no.”  
”You still got the message?”  
  
Pope’s calm is exactly what he needs now and he hauls up his phone and clicks up the message. Pope nods at it.  
  
”Put it on speaker.”  
  
Deran obeys and swallows the tears that threaten to well up again as he hears Adrian’s voice. Pope listens with a frown, once, twice and a third. Then he shakes his head.   
  
”You’re right, man. Adrian didn’t fucking leave. Someone’s breathing in the background.”


	5. Adrian

A banana and some more water. The bucket. At least they’re not starving or beating him. At least he doesn’t have to piss and shit himself. Still got all his teeth and limbs left and that has to be count as blessings now. For some reason he’s at least valuable enough not be shot and buried in an instance. His parents, has anyone called them? Probably not, because no one has their number. The message he was forced to leave to Deran didn’t sound one bit natural and Adrian’s surprised they had him do it.  
  
But what if Deran’s too angry, too upset to hear the difference? Deran’s never been very good with hearing nuances when he’s upset and there’s always a chance he’s actually taken the message literally and just gotten furious. No, not furious. Fucking heartbroken.   
  
Deran was getting somewhere. Hell, _they_ were getting somewhere, slow but steady and Deran’s never seemed so happy, so at ease with himself and their thing before. They love each other. May not have said it, not literally, but that’s not necessairy now. At least it isn’t for Adrian. He knows what Deran’s looks and hands are saying. Took fucking long time, but now he knows. Deran loves him and he loves Deran, end of fucking story.  
  
It’s cold in here. Ridiculous, this is California for fucks sake, but he’s probably in a basement of some sort. The floor is made of concrete and what little light he can see through the sliver under his blindfold, is matted and poor, obviously not coming from any kind of large window. Trying to notice the surroundings helps to stay calm. It gives a sense of control, however small and useless, but it’s better than feeling completely left out to the mercy of panic.  
  
He’s not Deran. Adrian doesn’t respond to these kind of threats with violence, he freezes. Fists hold no power over guns and Adrian’s never been in a situation where he’d have to choose between getting shot while running or fighting. He wants to live, that’s about it and he’s been around enough testosterone fueled animals in human form to know the wisest thing to do, is to stay calm for as long as possible. To appear unthreatening but not too weak to make them think less of you. He may be as gay as they come, but there are moments when Adrian truly and utterly hates men. And their mothers.  
  
Being angy with men (as in the Cody brothers) and their mothers (as in fucking Smurf) actually helps right now. Adrian’s rarely acted out on or even thought very much about all the fucked up shit with the Cody’s, mostly because doing that would’ve lead nowhere unless he wanted to break with Deran and truth be told, no matter how angry he’s been with him, Adrian’s never wanted to let go of his best friend, lover or whatever they are now. Boyfriends? Sounds like they’re college kids.   
  
Partners? Seriously… A ridiculous thought slips Adrian’s unruly, terrified mind and he swears that when he gets out of here, he’ll force Deran to Pottery Barn and get matching dishes he’ll smash in Deran’s thick head and then his own, for being so fucking stupid believing any of this would work. 


	6. Deran

Looking for Adrian turns out to be difficult, since no one’s seen him and apart from Pope, no one seems to be very upset. Of course, Deran doesn’t let anyone else hear the voicemail, but still. Craig tries to calm him, saying he’ll take a ride with Nicki to go looking, which doesn’t make Deran feel any less anxious, but more. The last thing he needs, is for his half stoned brother and his stupid chick to fuck things up by driving the bike into a tree.  
  
Baz is just as fucking useless, promising he’ll look out for Adrian in town and J is somewhere doing something, probably with or for Smurf. Baz, the idiot, leaves Lena with Pope and those two, a little girl and a half-crazy brother, are now Deran’s search patrol. At least that’s what Deran’s got in mind when he gets back in the car, only to fall over the steering wheel, crying from exhaustion and all the worry. He doesn’t want to scare Lena, but he’s knackered and Pope hugs him.  
  
”You gotta get some rest, Deran. Sorry, man, but we can’t keep looking now.”  
”Where’s Smurf?”  
”Smurf’s out of town. Look, Lena needs to eat and sleep too…”  
  
The always quite, almost invisible girl looks at them from the back seat and Deran tries to calm down. Poor kid, it’s not her fault her dad once again decided to leave. Pope sighs.  
  
”I have the codes to Smurf’s house, man, so why don’t we just get over there and get some sleep, huh?”  
  
Deran would rather stay at his own place, but Smurf’s away and the kid would of course sleep better in an actual bed in a place she knows. He nods.  
  
”Okay.”  
”Good. I’ll drive.”  
  
Even better. Deran’s so tired he doesn’t know how he’s actually functioning and he sits next to Lena, smiling a little at her.  
  
”Sorry for all this, kiddo. There’s nothing to worry about, okay?”  
  
He’s not sure he’s doing a very good job calming her, but Pope does, as he drives in the direction of Smurf’s house.  
  
”Your uncle Deran’s gonna stay with us in grandma Smurf’s house tonight, Lena.”  
”Is grandma Smurf home?”  
”No, sweetheart, but you know what, she’ll be back soon. What do you want for dinner?”  
”Pancakes.”  
”That’s breakfast.”  
  
Pope sounds like some kind of nurse and Deran rolls his eyes.  
  
”If she wants pancakes, we’ll make her some. Jesus…”  
  
The girl smiles at him and Deran thinks he probably has to do something else than thinking of only Adrian before he actually breaks. Might as well be fucking pancakes.


	7. Adrian

”What’s happening? Please, I…”  
”Shut. The fuck. _Up_.”  
  
The cuffs are unlocked. He’s dragged up from the floor and screams when his stiff limbs are roughly forced to move for the first time in what seems like forever. The people who have him have argued. He’s heard their upset voices from the other side of the door, but not been able to hear what they’ve said. He’s been here for several days now. He’s dehydrated, weak from starvation and from the cramped up position along with various bruises and cracked bones, in a miserable state.  
  
Someone bends his arms backwards and the voice telling Adrian to shut up, now calls that someone a fucking idiot and the grip, once he’s cuffed behind his own back, gets a little milder. A bag of some sort is dragged over his head and a pair of… ear muffs are put on, effectively making him almost as deaf as blind and then he’s gagged, put on the side and his hands and feet are tied together with some kind of plastic straps used around he’s wrists. Now he’s as helpless as a animal for slaughter.  
  
Adrian isn’t religious, but now he’s praying. To whom or what he’s not sure, because all he knows is that he’s gonna die. He’s gonna end up in one of the holes in the ground where these kinds of people hide the evidence. He’s gonna die and he doesn’t know why, doesn’t know who these men are and no one will find out what’s happened to him. His parents wont know until mom makes her annual Christmas call, the only time they talk to each other even if they never have anything to say. His dad might as well be dead to him, they’ve not spoken in years. And Deran…  
  
He’s lifted up, rough but not violently, and Adrian’s pathetic whimpers turns to tears. He’s crying like a small child, but with sounds so muffled they no longer seem to bother his kidnappers. They’re carrying him up some stairs – he was right then, he was kept in a basement, as if that knowledge matters now – and then they’re outside, the fresh air only touching his sore hands. Trying to breathe with both a gag and a bag is difficult, but the bag is made of fabrics and if they’d intended to choke him, they’d use a plastic bag, right?  
  
He’s praying to someone for rescue. _Please, please, don’t let me die. Don’t let me die, don’t let me die, don’t let me die._ He’s never even been close to religious, but now he’s praying to a God he doesn’t believe in, who if he/she exists probably doesn’t listen, but desperation makes people do so many weird things. He’s put in what could only be a car trunk and the sound of the door coming down hard makes him whimper and shiver again.  
  
The road is bumpy and the drive fast. The air soon gets hot inside the trunk and breathing becomes harder. Gas are sipping through the small space and the smell of it makes Adrian dizzy and before he can start panicking over that as well, he’s passed out.


	8. Deran

”Uncle Deran…?”  
”Mm… what?”  
”Uncle Pope says it’s breakfast.”  
  
Deran turns around, peering at the serious little face and then he realises he’s in his old bed and his niece is looking at him. It takes a few seconds before Deran’s mind wakes up and then he remembers. _Fuck_. He sinks back on the pillow, head throbbing and face sticky. It took both a number of drinks and some of Smurf’s ”secret” stash of legal downers to have him sleep last night and even then he still cried his fucking eyes out. And Adrian’s still gone.  
  
Lena looks like she’s not sure if her message has been delivered and Deran rubs his face.  
  
”Tell uncle Pope I’m coming and that I need some coffee, okay?”  
”Okay.”  
  
She hurries away and Deran grabs his cell. No calls, no messages. No Adrian. He’s trying to call again, it’s useless of course and the only thing he can hear is Adrian’s voicemail.   
  
”Deran! Breakfast!”  
  
When Pope uses a certain voice, Deran automatically falls in line. So does Craig and Baz, sometimes even Smurf. Or appears to. As scared as he’s always been for his oldest brother, there’s a strange comfort in his particular stubbornness. When Pope’s like this, he feels unstoppable and right now that’s what Deran needs. He’s slept in his clothes and walks out to the kitchen, where Pope’s serving up scrambled eggs and toast.   
  
”Any calls?”  
”No. We’re going out again when you’ve eaten.”  
  
Pope hands him a plate and Deran sits down next to Lena, who’s already digging in. She has very neat braids and Deran frowns.  
  
”You made her hair?”  
”Yeah. So?”  
”Didn’t know you knew stuff like that.”  
”Well, I didn’t know you liked guys.”  
”Since when?”  
”You could’ve told me, you know.”  
”You were in jail. What, I should’ve made a supervised call and come out to you, or what?”  
”Nah, but you could’ve told me earlier.”  
  
Deran snorts.   
  
”Sorry, man, but none of you gave me the impression it was something you’d be okay with.”  
”We are and we would’ve been.”  
”When I was fifteen? Really?”  
  
Pope looks like he’s thinking about it and then he shrugs.  
  
”Okay, that might have been optimistic.”  
”No shit?”


	9. Adrian

”…was the deal! If we don’t do what we’re supposed to, there’s not just no fucking money this time, Jess! This is serious shit!”  
”And who’s bright idea was it to break the kids legs, huh?! We stick to the deal and then what? Bring him into the ER and say we found him?”  
”We can just drop him off and leave. Someone will find him.”  
”Fucking bullshit…”  
”Yeah, you have any better idea?”  
  
_Ear muffs don’t work if you’re yelling two feet away, fucking morons._ The trunk reeks from shit and piss. From gas and panic. Adrian’s been drifting in and out of unconsciousness for the last hour and he needs to puke, but the gag is in the way and the risk of choking very real. He turns his face down as much as possible, making all the noises he possibly can and the trunk opens.  
  
”You keep your…”  
”He’s choking, you idiot!”  
  
The bag, the gag and the ear muffs are removed and Adrian empties what little he’s had of food the last days and nights, while trying to suck in air and God, it’s outside, he’s outside somewhere where there’s actual fresh air. He’s alive.   
  
”You listen to me, kid. Do as I say and we’ll let you go, okay?”  
  
Adrian can only nod, still focused on breathing. The sound of a butterfly knife makes him freeze and  the rough hands cuts the plastic straps off from his hands and feet. Is he free?  
  
”Don’t move, kid. One sound from you and I forget my orders, got it?”  
  
Adrian nods and stays still. He’s tasting vomits in his mouth and he’s been pissing and shitting himself, not that the humiliation of that is a concern now. He’s alive. Something these assholes was supposed to to didn’t go as planned and that means maybe, _maybe_ he’s not going to die.  
  
The ear muffs are back but not the gag or the straps and he’s moved to the backseat floor, squeezed down to not be seen by passing cars. He manages to stay still and silent when the car starts moving again, having a gun pointed at his head  makes it very easy not to squirm. The men don’t say a word and Adrian tries to focus on breathing, but he’s once again about to pass out and he’s never felt so weak in his entire life. Wherever they drop him off, if they do that, he wont be able to move anyway.   
  
The car suddenly stops and the door opens. Adrian’s quickly pushed out on the road and then he hears the sound of… Yes, they’re leaving. _They’re leaving._ The air tells him it’s day and he moves his head  against the asphalt to remove the ear muffs. _Cars._ He can hear cars in the distance. He’s not in the desert.


	10. Deran

At first he counts minutes, then hours. Hospitals can’t give information to others than confirmed relatives without consent from the patients and even with the resources Pope can pull – Deran’s not capable of pulling himself and definately not others together – no one’s seen or heard anything from Adrian. That’s when Deran starts counting days.  
  
When Smurf comes back, Deran’s asleep which is probably good, and Pope talks to her. Of course, she knows nothing and when Deran’s awake but too weary and sad to be in the mood for a fight, Smurf’s out in the kitchen making dinner with Lena.  
  
”Hey, baby. How are you feeling?”  
  
Deran doesn’t answer because what’s there to fucking say and Lena’s here and shouldn’t hear what he’d really like to say to Smurf. Pope’s there too, thank God, sitting by the table with a cup of coffee and his usual incredulous look. Deran looks at him and Pope shakes his head. Nothing.  
  
He takes the cup of coffee handed to him by Smurf, who then turns to Lena, showing her how to make meat loaf.  
  
”I hope you’re both staying for dinner. Have you talked to Craig and J lately?”  
  
Pope’s the one who answers, Deran barely listens. It’s so _Smurf_. Not a sign of worry, no emotions what so ever, only the perpetual calm and that fucking meat loaf. Once, Deran found that calm comforting. Now it’s just chilling. Her grandmothering of Lena is a charade, just like her mothering always was. It looks perfect if you don’t know her: the quite young grandmother teaching a beloved granddaughter to cook. Sweetie, darling, _Lena Ruh_.    
  
Beneath the calm lies only control and Lena is just another source nurturing that need. It says a lot when Pope feels like a better caretaker than Smurf.  
  
”Deran?”  
”What?”  
”Your phone.”  
  
Deran just stares before him, at the phone he’s turned around on the table, before he finally takes it. Number unknown.  
  
”Yeah?”  
_”Hello,_ _is this Deran Cody?”  
_ ”Who’s asking?”


	11. Adrian

The light hurts the most. He’s screaming when they hold him down and then the world melts away and the darkness lets him rest. There are sounds, but they don’t catch his attention, touches but he doesn’t seem to care anymore. All he wants is for the light to stay away so he can sleep.  
  
He’s never fully awake, but there are moments when he’s partially aware of things. His skin’s still itching, but it feels different. There are these sharp smells mixing with and even taking over those of sickness and filth. And he’s laying down. Someone’s moistening his mouth, his lips and the voices are soft and calm. Reasoning. _Don’t suck on this._ Of course he sucks, he’s so thirsty and the reflex works far better than the rest of his mind now. He gets to feel the heavenly water for a few seconds before there’s bile coming up.  
  
”I told you not to suck on it, hon.”  
  
Hands are helping, far more gentle ones than before and the voices unfamiliar but kind. Wherever he is, he’s not still _there_ and not outside because it feels like a bed and there’s no wind. He makes a sound, not really knowing if he’s trying to talk.  
  
”Are you thirsty?”  
  
He tries to nod. Yes, he is.  
  
”I’m sorry, Adrian, but you can’t drink anything yet. You’ll feel sick.”  
  
They’re not giving him any water? Another sound slips him and the helping hand takes one of his. The touch is firm. Friendly.  
  
”We’ll give you something to drink later, but right now I can only moisten your lips, okay?”  
  
No, it’s not okay! He needs water, he’s gonna _die_ if he has no water and the light burns his eyes. And Deran… He needs Deran.  
  
”We’ve called him, Adrian. He’s on his way.”  
  
Deran?  
  
”Yes, we’ve talked to him. He’s coming here.”  
  
How? Deran doesn’t know where he is! Adrian’s only half aware of that he’s trying to explain that, at least he thinks he is. It’s still far too light in here and there’s still no water.


	12. Deran

Pope’s not allowed to come with him, has to wait outside and the nurse talks about peace and quiet, rest, not disturbing and Deran thinks he’ll be able to do this without throwing one of his fits or crying. Fractures, dehydration, shock… yes, he hears every word and the only thing he can picture is himself punching Adrian in the public restroom, or Pope throwing Dave off a boat only because Deran asked him to. Whether it’s by his own hands, his words or because of who he is and the life he’s so recently began trying to leave behind, Adrian always ends up getting hurt.  
  
”Come with me, Mr. Cody.”  
  
Mr. Cody? Oh, yeah, that’s him. He follows the nurse inside a room and Deran stares in shock at the alive but brutally injured figure in the hospital bed. The nurse goes to the head end and bends down.  
  
”Adrian? Your friend is here.”  
  
A muffled sound comes from the bed and the nurse turns to Deran.  
  
”He’s just barely awake, so try not to talk too much.”  
  
She steps back and moves Deran gently towards the bed. He’s promised himself not to cry, he’s seen a lot of injuries and the last time Adrian had to visit the hospital, it was Deran’s fault. Crying wont help Adrian, only upset him and Deran keeps his promise for almost ten seconds, until Adrian opens his eyes.  
  
There are just two very small slit eyes peering at him, deeply hidden in the swollen face. The sight throws every promise not to cry out the window.  
  
”Adrian… Oh, God…”  
”Hey…”  
  
Adrian tries to reach his hand out, there’s a needle on back of it and when Deran takes it, careful and lightly, Adrian starts crying too. There were a lot of things Deran had thought on saying, but he can’t get a sensible word out and neither can Adrian. Deran’s bending his head to touch the pinched hand with his face, nudging the bruised wrist ever so gently.  
  
They just stay like that for long moments. Deran’s so relieved, so exhausted from worry and suspense and shocked by the state Adrian's in, all he can manage is whispering incoherent nonsense as he nuzzles Adrian’s hand. Adrian sighs.  
  
”Deran…”  
”Yeah?”  
”Didn’t… leave…”  
”I know you didn’t, babe… I know… God, I know…”


	13. Adrian

His sleep varies from restless to dreamless. From angstridden with nightmares, to blank and heavy. The light hurts his eyes and the darkness frightens him. He writhers in panic and is too whacked out from sedatives and painkillers to move. He can’t tell night from day, doesn’t reckognize where he is or the people coming and going. Only Deran remains a constant, holding Adrian when he’s crying, keeping the gag bags under his mouth when he needs to throw up and moistening his mouth.  
  
The callous hands with blunt nails are turning his pillows, re-arranging the sheets, bathing his face and above all protecting him. Adrian’s too affected by pain, anxiety and meds to ask himself or anyone else why this is allowed. Deran being by his side is the only thing that keeps Adrian from turning into a wreck of panic and fear and he’s holding onto him like the man is his last breath. Why he can have it, is not a question he’s able to ask at the moment.  
  
Deran doesn’t talk much. He was always a pretty quiet guy and the silence is comforting, reminding Adrian’s shattered mind of familarity. Of safety. He will lay on the bed, having Adrian on his arm when it’s possible. Other times he’s sitting in a chair next to the bed, close enough to hold Adrian’s hand or stroke his hair. Sometimes, when Adrian’s trying to sit up, Deran is his support. Literally.   
  
One day, Adrian wakes up feeling a little better. Still in pain, still very tired, but his mind is more clear and he sees Deran’s blonde head next to him, as his friend sleeps leaning on the mattress of Adrian’s bed.  
  
”Hey… Deran…”  
  
The ragged head is lifted and a pair of sleepish, blue eyes looks at him.  
  
”Hey, babe. You awake…?”  
  
_Babe?_  
  
”Yeah… Think so…”  
”You need anything?”  
”No…”  
  
A large hand moves to his cheek and Deran strokes the stubble.  
  
”Need to shave, man.”  
”Can you… hold me?”  
  
The tired curve of Deran’s mouth is almost a smile and he rolls his shoulders a bit – they make cracking noises – before moving Adrian as careful as if he was made of glass, making room on the bed to lay down and letting Adrian lean onto his chest.


	14. Deran

He’s been possessive of Adrian for a long time. Far too possessive and it was very close to ruin everything. Sometimes Deran still feels amazed that Adrian forgave him. The way he treated him out of fear for being exposed may not be close to how Smurf treats people, but it bore signs of her and that’s fucking disgusting.  
  
Giving up the criminal lifestyle and going legit is his goal, but right now, Deran can’t help but be extremely grateful for the last job his brothers pulled – and for Pope’s sudden generosity. _Money ain’t no problem._ Paying Heather and Craig to run the bar as well as whatever medical bills Adrian will leave the hospital with, is not a great amount of money for anyone raised in the Cody family, but saving money for rainy days has never been a thing – if you don’t count Smurf’s secret stash. Since Adrian isn’t involved in any shit that could be detected from some time in hospital, the idea of doing a trip to Mexico for some shitty underground treatment is out of the question. Deran doesn’t give a shit where Pope’s money comes from or how he’s gonna pay him back, only that he will and Adrian’s not gonna have to worry about it.   
  
Adrian turns in the bed, worried in his sleep, and Deran takes his hand. He’s been here for three days now and Deran’s barely left his side. One should never underestimate the power of a brother who’s good with bribes. Oaths or not, docs are not immune to greed and in Pope’s usual weird way, he’s probably paid the nurses too. Their annoyance with Deran’s constant presence decreased in a suspiciously fast way once Pope had talked to them. It’s also kind of Deran’s way of trying to make up for the fact that he made Pope hurt Dave. He’s not talked to Pope about it or what it eventually lead to, but Pope doesn’t really need a specific reason to do his brothers favours. He’s good like that. And dangerous. Using his readiness to help for a good thing, _feels_ good. Feels right. Deran needs to think about that, because there certainly isn’t much that feels good right now.  
  
He takes a sip of the now lukewarm coffee Pope brought him along with a bag of sandwiches. Deran hasn’t got much of an appetite right now, but not eating is fucking stupid. Adrian’s no longer dehydrated and when he’s awake, he mostly knows where he is and who Deran is. Deran now knows for sure he didn’t leave and he can’t believe what an idiot he was to ever think that. I doesn’t make sense. If Adrian wanted to leave, he’d never come back to Deran in the first place and of course he wouldn’t just abandon his shop and apartment like that. But no, Deran was as usual fucking self-absorbed and didn’t think about anything than that he’d been abandoned.   
  
This reminds him of that one time when Adrian’s drink got spiked and he called Deran in panic. It’s been a very long, too long, process to finally acknowledge what he’s been feeling for Adrian all these years. Their relationship is so messed up, for long periods even toxic, but ironically also the healthiest Deran’s ever had, all categories. Adrian moves again and Deran strokes his dirty hair, the stubbled cheek, and sighs.  
  
”I love you, man. I know I’m an idiot, but I love you…”


	15. Adrian

”You have any idea who…?”  
”No. Never saw their faces. They were Mexican… I think. Or at least… one of them.”  
”How many were they?”  
”Three. Two guys… and a woman.”  
  
He can’t talk for very long moments at the time and Deran must be really worried, since he doesn’t turn impatient or agitated. Adrian swallows, it hurts.  
  
”I… I think it might have been… a mistake.”  
”Mistake?”  
”Like… I don’t know… The took the wrong guy or something.”  
”You don’t think they were after you?”  
”No. Or, I’m not sure. Fuck… Can you give me… I feel sick…”  
  
Bile and water. His throat, chest and tummy hurt when he throws up what little he can and he starts crying.   
  
”Hey, hey… don’t cry, man… You don’t have to talk now, I’m sorry.”  
”I… the rent, I can’t…”  
”Fucks sake, Adrian, don’t think about that now! We have you covered, don’t worry about it. Come here, man.”  
  
Deran doesn’t seem to care one bit that his shirt gets stains from vomits and snot on it. Doesn’t seem bothered by the smell or the fact that Adrian’s crying on him in a public place. He rubs Adrian’s sore shoulders lightly and his heartbeats are steady and comforting.   
  
”Pope’s paying the rent and whatever this will cost, alright.”  
”Pope?”  
”Yeah.”  
”I don’t… Why you asked him?”  
”Didn’t have to ask. I mean, he… he knows what you mean to me and he doesn’t need another reason. You don’t have to think about the medical bill or the rent or anything, alright? Just try to rest. You want some water?”  
”No…”  
  
He’ll probably only feel sick again. Deran rests his mouth in Adrian’s greasy hair that’s not been washed for days and keeps stroking his back.  
  
”I’ll stay until you want me to leave or they throw me out, okay?”  
”Okay… Thanks.”  
”Don’t thank me, babe. Seriously, don’t.”


	16. Pope

”They’re late again. And since when are you running errends for my tenants?”  
”Since Adrian ended up on hospital with four cracked ribs and pneumonia.”  
”Really? Surfing accident?”  
”Kidnapping.”  
”Kidnapping?”  
  
She’s cutting fruit. The pie crust is already done and there is apple shell in ringlets on the kitchen island. Lena is helping by mixing sugar and cinnamon and Smurf puts the knife down, looking through the envelope.  
  
”You shouldn’t talk about such things here, Pope. Little ears.”  
  
Pope shrugs and Smurf scowls.  
  
”This is for two months.”  
”So?”  
”They never pay more than one at the time. Besides, I thought they were about to quit the business.”  
”How so? Businesses are going fine, as far as I know.”  
”If they did, they wouldn’t be late with rent in the first place. Will you ask Deran to talk to him?”  
”Sure.”  
”By the way, have you talked to him lately? Deran.”  
”Yeah. He’s pretty busy with the bar.”  
”Grandma Smurf, is this good?”  
  
Lena’s holding up the bowl with mixed sugar and cinnamon and Smurf turns to grandma again, with a warm smile on her lips.  
  
”Perfect. What would I do without my little Lena Ruh? How about you and me taking a swimming lesson while the pie’s in the oven?”  
”Yeah.”  
”Then go get your swimsuit, sweetie.”   
  
Lena leaves the kitchen and Pope takes some of the left over dough and squeezes it between his fingers.  
  
”He’s Deran’s _friend_ , Smurf.”  
”I know, dear. That’s why I’ve given him such a generous deal. You think Deran would like to have dinner here, tonight? I’m making roast beef.”  
  
Pope just gives a short, joyless laughter and shakes his head.  
  
”Not unless you’re sending a plate to the hospital. Adrian almost died, you know. Sorry, but I don’t think Deran’s giving two shits about your roast beef now.”


	17. Craig

”Can you stop staring like that? It’s creepy.”  
”What’s she doing here?”  
  
Pope’s not even nodding at Nicky but Craig knows it’s her he’s meaning.  
  
”It’s just a one time…”  
”She’s not legal, you know.”  
”What, are you expecting a bust or what?”  
”It’s _Deran’s_ bar and _his_ rules. No drugs and no minors.”  
  
Craig sighs.  
  
”Come on, Pope…”  
”You can’t stay away from each other one night? Is there some kind of invisible fucking umbilical cord between you or am I missing something?”  
”Look, I’m doing this to be nice, Pope. Not because I want to.”  
”No? Then why don’t you call Deran and ask if he’d like to trade with you.”  
  
Pope seems tired and Craig throws a look at Nicky, who’s sipping on a beer in the corner. His brother’s right, she shouldn’t be here.  
  
”Yo, Nicky…”  
”What?”  
”Look, I’m sorry, but you gotta leave…”  
”Why? Something’s wrong?”  
”Your age…”  
”My…? Oh, right.”  
”Really sorry, but…”  
”No, it’s okay. I have stuff to do anyway, so…”  
”Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you here in the first place.”  
”Jesus, just _go_!”  
  
Pope, the ever so patient guy. No wonder he’d never been able to have a steady girl. Nicky leaves and Craig throws a disgruntled look at his older brother.  
  
”Was that really necessairy, man?”  
”Unless she’d been around until fucking Christmas, so yeah.”  
”You’ve talked anymore to Deran?”  
”A little, yeah.”  
”And? How’s Adrian doing?”  
”Not very good.”  
”And Deran?”  
”Miserable.”  
”Poor bastards…”  
”Which is why we don’t need anymore bullshit for Deran to worry about right now.”  
”Okay, okay, I get it. But you’re no fun.”  
”You’ll get over it.”


	18. Deran

Some spoonfulls of yoghurt and a little orange juice. A pitiful portion but at least Adrian can eat something now. He’s had a shower, hair is still a little wet and the fresh bandages around his arm as well as the several bruises over his face, neck and shoulder make Deran cringe inside.   
  
”How are you feeling?”  
”Sore. And bored.”  
”You know when you get to go home?”  
”Not sure. Soon, I hope. You look a bit wornout too. When was the last time you went outdoors?”  
”Uhm… Some days...”  
”Come on, Deran, I’m not dying.”  
  
Deran balls his fists and swallows.  
  
”Not now you aren’t…”  
  
Adrian’s been having nightmares and panic attacks where he’s woke up screaming and crying, sweating himself soaking wet and it’s been hell to see and not being able to help. Adrian wanna get home soon, but Deran’s not so sure he’ll fix that. He looks at the fumbling hands trying to handle the spoon.  
  
”You could stay with me when you’re released from here, you know… I mean, just until you feel better.”  
”Thanks but I’ll be fine.”  
  
Adrian sounds defiant and Deran just shrugs, trying to make it seem like he’s not too worried.  
  
”Just an offer, man. You helped me when… You know… That guy…”  
  
He’s been trying not to think about it and Adrian’s not pushed him. Thing is, Deran still doesn’t really remember when things got ugly or exactly how. He’s not sure if he committed to get fucked in the first place or if the guy forced him. He genuinly can’t and he’s used that as an excuse to shut it away, to take it as if he initially wanted to bottom and then the guy went too rough. That maybe the asshole was so brutal because he was high on some shit too and didn’t know what he was doing. A very shitty excuse but it’s kept Deran’s feelings from turning unmanagable and that’s what’s important to him.  
  
Adrian puts the spoon down.  
  
”Better you stay with me. Got more room.”  
”If you want me to.”  
”Of course I do, stupid. Now can you get this yoghurt away, please? Tastes like shit.”


	19. Adrian

He’s grateful. He’s angry. He grew up with Deran and is closer to him than Smurf likes, which has far less to do with sex than the emotional bond. Strangers are threats and everyone outside the family is a potential threat. So yes, as much as Adrian is relieved that he wont have to think about the medical costs or worry about the rent, thanks to Deran’s brothers, he can’t help but thinking this wouldn’t have happened at all was it not for his ties to the Cody’s.  
  
In a way, Deran is family to him. Talking to you mother once a year on the phone just because it’s too painful admitting there’s no bond between you at all, doesn’t really make her or dad the right people to call now. It’s not close to Christmas so of course they’re not worried and Adrian doesn’t really think it’s fair to call them about this, since he’s not actually dying or having a permanent injury. _Hi, mom, I know it’s not Christmas, but I thought maybe you wanted to know I got kidnapped and ended up on hospital with cracked ribs and pneumonia. I don’t know who did it, but I suspect it all got something to do with my sort of boyfriend’s criminal mother who runs her family like a mob and treats her sons like employees, toddlers or lovers depending on her mood. Anyway, how’s the weather?_  
  
When they release him from the hospital, he’s got a list with prescriptions, a number to a hotline for psychiatric problems due to violent traumas, a visitcard to the closest unit for psychiatric care and a crutch. Oh, and Deran, who pays the bill and then the prescripted meds, with Pope’s money. Deran’s been more or less glued to his side and to be honest, Adrian didn’t know Deran was capable of being still for this long without being stoned. He’s done some paper work for the bar and talked to both Craig, Pope and of course Heather on the phone at least once a day, but apart from bathroom visits and smokes, he’s barely left Adrian’s side, except when to give him privacy due to exams and stuff. And a part of Adrian hates to admit it, but that more or less constant presence has probably done just as much for his recovery as the medical care.  
  
”You need food or something?”  
  
Adrian’s taken back to the present and Deran who’s driving him home.  
  
”Food?”  
”Yeah. Figure you don’t have much stuff at home you can eat now.”  
”Probably not.”  
”I can get you some on the way. If you want to.”  
”Can’t walk in a store now.”  
”No, but I can, man.”  
  
Deran apparently wants to play nurse or mother and Adrian is too tired to refuse. He’s not so heavily medicated he’s not aware of that shopping isn’t gonna work in his condition. He swallows, trying not to sound upset.  
  
”Thanks, that would be nice.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you see, I've added a little about Adrian's family and since we know nothing of them in the series, I'll have to take a lot of liberties here. Hope it doesn't come off weird.


	20. Deran

Taking care of people is not one of his skills at all. He’s the youngest and used to be taken care of even if he’s hated it for the last ten years. Pope and Craig aren’t exactly models of caring either, but they’ve practised a lot more than Deran. Mostly on Deran and lately, Pope’s also practised on Lena and seems to be surprisingly good at it. But Adrian’s not a brother or a kid and the physical pain is only one side of what Adrian’s going through.  
  
Deran feels like even if he’s not doing things worse, he’s not much of a help either, because Adrian is about as cooperative as Pope during a manic episode and Deran isn’t Smurf who can sneak sedatives in the food and act like things are just fine and under control.  
  
First of all, Adrian doesn’t want company but can’t stand being alone. The smallest things annoy him and he’s so sensitive to certain noises, smells, tastes and touches, every single task becomes stressful. He wants the meds, but swallowing still hurts and he very easily feels sick.  He doesn’t want to go outside because of the crutches and the way he looks with visible wounds and bruises, but staying indoors makes him stir-crazy. Darkness scares him and light hurts his eyes. Sleeping is just another nightmare.  
  
Deran’s sleeping on a mattress on the floor, careful not to intrude more than necessairy on Adrian’s personal space. Laying a arms lenght from him, close enough to take his hand but not knowing if it will help or make it worse, is torment. During the days, Deran tries to make himself as invisible as he can. He can’t stay away from the bar too much longer, but he wants to make sure Adrian’s not left alone the first days at home. No one has told him to keep Adrian company, but even though Deran’s done his best to forget about his own rape, there seems to be a kind autopilot taking over. Deran does what he does now out of pure instinct.  
  
By breaking this huge, painful and horrifying mess down to small pieces of basic, practical things, Deran finds himself less lost. Just being physically present, for a start. Available. Something for Adrian to hold onto if necessairy, physically or otherwise. Someone to tell the difference between a nightmare and reality, separating the present from the past.  
  
Suppressing his own temper and emotions is another thing. When Adrian lashes out, Deran forces himself to not talk back but let it pass until the fit is over. He thinks of it as something normal people actually do for their loved ones, being patient and understanding, but also as a form om punishment. Deran, of course, isn’t guilty of doing _this_ to Adrian but the kind of life he and his family has, if not caused, so at least contributed to it. Trying to have Adrian talk about is, is just out the question for so many reasons and so Deran carries that unspecified guilt in silence, as he’s done with so many other things in the past.  
  
The whole thing reeks of confusion in itself. Money obviously wasn’t a motive since there was no ransom but whoever did this could’ve been way more brutal and the logical part of Deran’s still very criminal mind, wonders why someone would go through he trouble, not to mention the risk, of a kidnapping without getting neither money nor some violent thrill out of it. Releasing Adrian so close to a hospital was also a huge risk, increadibly stupid but also a sign that whoever did this didn’t actually want him dead. They didn’t ask Adrian any questions, in fact, they hardly spoke to him at all from what Adrian’s told him and the only contact from the kidnappers, was the ”break-up message” Deran still hates himself for not understanding for what it was. And somehow, the worst part of it is that Adrian doesn’t know Deran loves him and even if Deran would tell him now, it would still feel like hurting Adrian again.


	21. Adrian

He can’t breathe. The gag is choking him and the trunk is too hot. He’s trying to scream and move but there’s not a sound coming from him and he’s gonna die here, he’s gonna…  
  
”Adrian? Adrian! Wake up, man, you’re having a nightmare! Fuck…”  
  
His tummy makes a turn and when he throws up, he’s finally awake, crying pathetically in his bed, dripping from sweat and with the content of his intenstines on the blanket. Deran’s holding a glass of water to his lips and Adrian takes a small sip as Deran strokes his hair.  
  
”It’s okay, babe. I’m here, it’s gonna be okay…”  
  
Deran removes the stained blanket and Adrian shivers when Deran lifts him.  
  
”You need a shower.”  
  
Adrian doesn’t answer, he just leans his head at Deran’s shoulder and allows him to carry him to the bathroom. Deran places him in the shower and removes his sweaty shorts and tanktop. The water feels good and the smell of sweat and pukes disappears as Deran takes the showergel and soaps Adrian’s shoulders, arms and back.  
  
It’s soothing and comforting. Adrian isn’t used to be taken care of by others but Deran’s surprisingly good at it. Or maybe it’s just that he’s the only one Adrian will let close now. Anyway, his way of helping is not intrusive or impatient, he’s not rough but doesn’t drag out on it. It feels efficiant and determined, but not impersonal and when he’s done washing Adrian, he swirls a towel around his hips, as if they’ve not seen each other naked hundreds of times before.  
  
”I’ll get you some clothes.”  
  
Boxers, pants, a tanktop. Adrian closes his eyes.  
  
”What time is it?”  
”Four in the morning.”  
”Why are you dressing me?”  
”Cause we’re going outside.”  
”Where?”  
”The beach.”  
”I can’t…”  
  
Deran sighs.  
  
”You’ve had four nightmares since one o’clock and you need some fresh air. And so do I.”  
  
He puts his own clothes on, takes the laundry to the washing machine and starts a program. Then he opens the window to Adrian’s bedroom and takes the keys to Adrian’s car.  
  
”I’m driving.”


	22. Deran

Oceanside is asleep. It’s the gap between party hours and early birds on boards and they’re sitting on a hidden spot at the beach. Deran’s having Adrian on his lap, leaning onto his chest and his breathing is slowly getting calmer. The sound from the waves helps just as much as the fresh air, at least Deran believes so, and he’s sticking to that thought because it calms him too.   
  
Adrian’s still crying, but Deran can’t make himself telling him to stop. His friend is exhausted and the crying isn’t hysterical, just small aftershocks from when he woke up and it will stop when it stops. By taking Adrian to the beach, Deran feels like he’s finally doing something that helps, something Adrian not only tolerates but actually likes.   
  
The world feels so quiet this early, it’s as if the beach and entire ocean are theirs, belonging to them alone. Again, it reminds of Belize and that annoys him. Five weeks is nothing, compared to years of friendship or months of a fucked up relationship without a name. Belize was one hell of a crush, sugery sweet in bright colours and the last thing Deran expected, was for that crush to turn into something deeper. In a way, that’s been more of a shock than the crush itself.  
  
He remembers sitting by the beach, unusually tired, one day in Belize, leaning his forehead on Adrian’s sunkissed shoulder, holding his hand and feeling Adrian’s mouth brushing softly in his hair. He can’t recall why he was so knackered that morning, just that he was and that it felt so natural to sit with his friend like that. He didn’t overanalyze anything, wasn’t afraid of being discovered or what Adrian might discover from the unusual closeness. He was exhausted and he was in love. He felt free.  
  
”Waves are good today…”  
  
Adrian’s voice sounds very small and tired but the tears seem to have decreased a little. Deran takes his hands.  
  
”Does it help? Sitting here, I mean…”  
”A lot. Especially since I’m with you.”  
  
He needed to hear that. God, how he needed it and he places a small kiss on Adrian’s neck, careful not letting his emotions take over. His heart is swelling from the words, just the notion he’s not making things worse, that his presence isn’t only a necessairy evil to Adrian. He’s not a complete fuck-up after all the shit he’s done, or failing miserably in his first attempts on being a better person in areas he’s not familiar with.   
  
He wants Adrian more than he’s wanted anything or anyone in his life, but the changes he’s been through since Adrian left him, have made a deeper impact than Deran’s realised. He’s been brought up hearing that unless you take what you want, you’ll never have anything. But Deran no longer only wants what he wants, he also wants to deserve it, wants so desperately to deserve Adrian and he’s new to how to show that. Adrian’s confirmation calms more than Deran understands and he swirls their fingers together, nuzzles the sore neck and closes his eyes, just listening to the waves as his own heartbeats slow down.


	23. Adrian

He’s sore, fragile and unable to take care of himself. Everything Deran used to be so uncomfortable with. Not that he didn’t care before, he was just not very good at it. Didn’t know how to act. Or maybe he did but couldn’t make himself doing it. Deran isn’t always easy to understand, probably because the man often doesn’t seem to understand himself and his way of comforting Adrian is therefor a bit unexpected skittish, like he’s trying something pretty new but doesn’t want to show he’s not sure of what he’s doing.  
  
Taking him to the beach was good, really good, and Adrian feels a lot better now, mind clearer and calmer, but he’s bodily exhausted and can hardly sit up. He wont be able to do anything today that requires more energy than eating or going to the bathroom. His tummy makes a noise and Adrian clutches to it, but Deran removes his hand, slips his own under Adrian’s clothes and starts stroking the skin over the sore belly.  
  
”Still nauseous?”  
”No. Just sore.”  
”Think you could have some breakfast? Something small?”  
”Maybe.”  
”A smoothie?”  
”Sure. Should be able to keep it down.”  
  
Deran’s hand is light and warm, undemanding and the touch anything but sexual. The callous fingers are making small circles on Adrian’s skin, the palm stroking larger ones, trying to calm the screaming guts behind the skin and it helps. Deran’s unused to sweetness like this, but he’s a quick learner and Adrian wouldn’t want anyone else to comfort him. Deran knows him, even if it’s taken quite some time for him to actually use that knowledge.  
  
”I… I have to get to the bar today.”  
”Yeah, of course.”  
”You wanna come with me?”  
”And scare away your costumers?”  
  
Deran presses a small kiss on his hair.  
  
”You could stay in my bed. No one’s going in there except me, so you wouldn’t be disturbed, you know.”  
”Wouldn’t that just distract you from work?”  
”Honestly, I’d feel better if you were there. Otherwise, I’d probably worry all the time and end up calling you every fifteen minute and get distracted anyway…”  
”What if I fall asleep, getting a nightmare and scream and puke?”  
”Then I turn up the volume on the stereo and let Heather take over while I get you cleaned up.”  
  
The waves are good today. Adrian isn’t, but it almost feels like he can relax a little. Just enough not to get worse.


	24. Deran

”Find someone else.”  
”Come on, Deran, you’ve not done a job in weeks now.”  
”Because I have my own shit to do, man. I didn’t get away from Smurf so you could bust my balls instead. Ask the kid. He’s new but he’s good.”  
”You’re serious with this…?”  
  
Right now, Baz reminds too much of Smurf and Deran has no fucking patience with that. The Drop is pretty crowded and Baz is taking up his time. He nods at the office.  
  
”Can we talk in private?”  
”No.”  
”Why?”  
”Cause there’s nothing to talk about and I have to work.”  
  
And also, Baz can’t know Adrian’s resting back there. No matter how pissed he claims to be at Smurf, Baz wouldn’t hesitate to tell her about Adrian if she asks. Baz looks a little confused.  
  
”Smurf told you not to do jobs with me or what?”  
”I’ve not talked to Smurf in weeks, man, and she aint got shit to do with my life anymore. And if you’re having Pope, Craig and J on it, you don’t need me.”  
”It’s a big job and don’t you need cash?”  
”Sure I do but I’m still not fucking interested. Don’t care if it’s you or Smurf or Pope who’re running this job, ’cause I’m not in!”  
  
Baz just holds his hands up, looking disappointed but not in the mood for an argue.  
  
”Alright, man, I just asked. If you’re not doing this job, you think you could take Lena?”  
”Since when did I become your fucking babysitter, man? I don’t know how to handle kids. Ask Smurf.”  
”She’s out of town and you know I’m not asking her unless I have no other options.”  
”This is a fucking _bar_ , man. Can’t have a kid running around here, you idiot.”  
”Then keep her in your office. She’s calm and quiet, she wont be in the way.”  
”Pope’s gonna kill you.”  
”Not if Lena’s fine. I’ll pick her up afterwards. Shouldn’t take more than a few hours.”  
  
Deran sighs.  
  
”Half.”  
”What?”  
”I want half of your share.”  
”Are you serious? Half my share for fucking _babysitting_?”  
”It’s either that or Smurf or not doing the job and pissing off Pope and Craig. Your choice, man.”  
  
Baz shakes his head, laughing.  
  
”Jesus… You’ve really changed. What happened?”  
  
Deran just snorts.  
  
”I grew up.”


	25. Adrian

”Sure you’re okay with this?”  
  
Deran looks stressed. Very stressed, actually, and Adrian gives him his most reassuring smile.  
  
”I’m fine, Deran. Seriously. It’s only a few hours and I could need something to distract me except from meds.”  
”You have to make sure she’s not coming to the bar or being too loud.”  
”Don’t worry about it.”  
”I’ll worry until Pope comes back and doesn’t kill me. I’m surprised he allowed this…”  
”Lena’s not his kid.”  
”Still a better dad than Baz. Jesus…”  
”Hey, come here.”  
  
Deran sits down by the bed and Adrian hugs him.  
  
”When did he say he’ll be back?”  
”Probably late, but it depends…”  
  
Adrian doesn’t get anymore information and he doesn’t need more either.  
  
”Didn’t Baz have a girlfriend?”  
”Yeah. Lucy. But she’s out of town. Look, you’re sure you can handle this? I mean…”  
”I’ll be fine, Deran. Just tell Baz to bring a game or puzzle or something. And some snacks, unless we’re to feed her mixers.”  
  
Deran gives him a soft kiss on the mouth, blushing a little as if he’s suddenly shy.  
  
”Thanks, man. I know this is fucked up.”  
  
Adrian smiles a little.  
  
”Babysitting your niece during one of your brothers heists is hardly the most fucked up thing I’ve experienced with your family.”  
”At least it’s only for a few hours.”  
”Unless something happens.”  
”Still can’t understand how Pope allowed this…”  
”Maybe he doesn’t know.”  
  
Deran just laughs.  
  
”Of course he does. Baz would never leave Lena to someone Pope didn’t approve of. Must be a fucking important job.”


	26. Pope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Pope interlude.

”Lucy?”  
”Yeah, is there a problem with that?”  
  
Baz sounds a little on edge and Pope looks at him.  
  
”Did I say it was?”  
”No, but you’re looking at me like you’re disapproving, even if t’s not any of your business.”  
”Hey, guys, seriously? Focus!”  
  
Craig, who’s probably the most unfocused in the family on every occasion, suddenly sounds like he’s the only one having his shit together and Pope goes back to check his gun while Baz takes the opportunity of getting in the car.  
  
It’s just a simple smash and grab job, but the store lays quite far away from Oceanside and Pope might not be Smurf, but he’s not one to chance with traffic or time. Better waiting and being bored for half an hour extra, than taking unecessairy risks by not having enough time. And who’s Pope to have an opinion on who’s babysitting Lena, when he killed her mother? He regrets it every minute of every day, not that it makes any difference. Pope looks at his watch.  
  
”Where the hell’s J?”  
”Here.”  
  
The kid shows up, all done and ready and that’s something. Even better: he’s not having that stupid, unbalanced chick with him and so they can go straight to work without further distractions. Pope’s driving and he’s thinking that he’s both happy and a bit disappointed Deran’s not with them, but of course he wouldn’t leave Adrian alone right now or taking any risks that could make himself end up injured or behind bars. Also, focused as he is on Adrian, Deran probably would get less focused on the job as well, which is why Pope didn’t dream of suggesting him babysitting Lena, even if he’d not had the bar to manage. Lucy is simply the best option now.  
  
The place they’re about to hit, is once again a jewlery store, this time around forty miles from Oceanside and it feels good to be in it again for real. The adrenaline kick, the feeling of power and control tipping on the edge of chaos is what Pope loves about the jobs since getting out. Sitting in a cell for five fucking years has made him hungry for that thrill, even if he also loves being in control and not doing stupid ass jobs just for the sake of that feeling.  
  
They drive off the road to change the license plates, prepare the hoodies and check their clocks and Pope finally sweeps Lena off his mind and stops thinking of Baz as anything else than a brother in crime he’s depending on now as much as Baz depends on him. Exactly six minutes and forty seconds later, they back the car through the store front and the alarm goes off.


	27. Craig

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here we have Craig...

”I’m fucking serious, Pope! I’m bleeding like a pig!”  
”Then why the hell did you have to shove your fist through glass in the first place? You left any blood?”  
”I cut the artery, man!”  
”Hey, Craig, get here!”  
  
He’s dizzy and it hurts, there’s blood all over his sleeve and J is ripping his own shirt off to use as a bandage. Craig’s cursing as the kid squeezes on the arm.  
  
”It’s not the artery.”  
”You’re sure?”  
”Yes, I’m sure. Now hold still.”  
”Fucking unbelievable…”  
  
Craig hears his older brother curse from the driver’s seat and J looks pale.  
  
”We gotta take him to get stitched. It’s not the artery but still deep.”  
”A simple smash and grab job…”  
  
Pope’s muttering to himself and no one finds it very wise to answer as he sets the course on Mexico. Craig feels like an idiot.  
  
”Look, I’m sorry, Pope…”  
”Yeah? What if you’d spent more time fucking focusing than getting high with that stupid ass chick, huh? Christ, we should’ve taken Deran with us instead.”  
  
While Pope goes on about the stupidity of pretty much every person in the car, Craig sees how Baz takes out his phone texting someone, probably Lucy, explaining once again why he’ll not be home to say goodnight to Lena. Then the pain is making him dizzy, the car’s bumbing too much and Craig starts to giggle for some reason. Baz frowns.  
  
”You’re getting delirious, or what? It’s your fucking fault we’re getting to spend the night in Mexico and you’re laying here, laughing. Could just as well have brought Nicky with us.”  
   
He turns to J.  
  
”No offense.”  
  
J just shrugs.  
  
”Non taken.”


	28. Deran

”Two Martinis and one Long Island Ice Tea.”  
”One moment! Heather, can you take the next order?”  
  
Of course this night out of all had to be crowded as fuck. At the moment, Deran’s not sure of who he feels most sorry for: Adrian or Lena. Baz, Craig and Pope should’ve been back at least an hour ago, but no. Why would they be on fucking time tonight of all nights? Why wouldn’t Adrian be forced to babysit a six-year-old in the backroom of a fucking bar, while being sick, because the kid’s shitty dad didn’t bother to plan ahead? Why the hell wouldn’t Craig end up getting cut from a fucking window and need an emergency stich-up only possible in Mexico?  
  
When all the waiting customers except one, whom he’s leaving for Heather to take care of, and he’s tried to call Smurf only getting the voicemail, Deran sneaks back to his unexpected guests. At least one of them is.  
  
”… in charge of carrying the picnic hamper. It was enormous. He grew tired as he lurched and bumped his way along the grassy track. What was it Mrs. Apple had said was in the hamper? Knives? Sandwiches?”  
  
Adrian’s reading aloud from a book that really doesn’t look like something belonging in a bar, but neither does the little girl dressed in one of Deran’s large t-shirts, who’s sitting on Adrian’s lap, snuggled up in a blanket. Seems as if Baz packed a book but forgot about her pajama. If this whole situation wasn’t so fucked up, she wasn’t in a fucking bar and her shitty dad didn’t just call to say he’d be late due to Craig getting a bad cut during the job, the scene would almost be a bit cute.  
  
Deran swallows and goes to sit on the side of the bed. Adrian looks up from the book.  
  
”You’re getting any chance to sit down?”  
”Not really.”  
  
Deran smiles and looks at Lena, who seems tired.  
  
”Look, Lena, I just talked to your daddy and uhm… I’m sorry, but he’s not coming back tonight.”  
”Will uncle Pope come and get me?”  
”No, sweetie, he’s with your daddy, so it seems as if you’re gonna have to stay with me and Adrian tonight.”  
”Where’s grandma Smurf?”  
”She’s on an errend.”  
”When will she be back?”  
”I don’t know, Lena.”  
  
Adrian, who really shouldn’t babysit in his state, strokes Lena’s hair and smiles.  
  
”You know, Lena, sometimes grown-ups have to be away longer than they want to because things happen they didn’t know would happen. You know why I’m here?  
”Cause you’re sick.”  
”Uh-hu. I really can’t be alone right now, so Deran’s letting me be here while he’s working so I’ve got company. And I can keep you company when you’re getting sleepy.”  
”I’m not sleepy.”  
”Would you like some hot chocolate?”  
  
Lena nods and Deran’s just about to tell her and the man who’s making promises Deran can’t keep that he’s got no chocolate, when he remembers the package of cocoa Heather bought for her beloved drink on break and he smiles.  
  
”I’ll make you some chocolate. You want whipped cream too?”  
  
His niece nods again and Adrian makes a mockery pout.  
  
”What about me? I’m not getting anything?”  
  
The level of stupid fucking sappiness is way off Deran’s comfort zone, but he’s tired, in love and also very relieved he’s got Adrian to help him out even when he’s actually sick.  
  
”What do you want, hon?”  
”Just a glass of water with some lemon, actually.”  
”One chocolate with whipped cream and a lemon water coming up.”  
  
Then, Deran looses control of his urge to kiss the freckled man before he manages to get back to the customers, the special non-alcoholic order and the voice in his head asking what the hell happened with his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book Adrian's reading is Jill Barklem's "The Brambly Hedge - Spring Story".


	29. Adrian

”She’s still asleep?”  
  
Deran’s closed the bar for the night and sounds completely exhausted. Adrian puts a finger on his lips. The little kid has been sleeping next to him for at least four hours, which is pretty amazing considering the noises from the bar and the fact that she’s in a new place with people she doesn’t know. She’s having a little mustache with cream on her lip and is dressed in the smallest t-shirt Adrian could find among Deran’s clothes.  
  
Adrian moves from the bed very slowly and adjusts the blanket over her. She’s sleeping quite deep and doesn’t get disturbed from the shifting of the mattress. Adrian nods in direction towards the bar and him and Deran leaves the room not to wake Lena up.  
  
”You want a beer or something?”  
”Sure, but I don’t think I should.”  
”Yeah… sorry.”  
”I’m okay, Deran. Alright? You’ve heard anything from your brothers?”  
”Only that Craig’s delirious and Pope’s pissed off. They wont make it back any time soon.”  
”Didn’t Baz tell you that before?”  
  
Deran makes a grimaze.  
  
”I lied. Didn’t wanna make Lena hope for it and try to stay awake waiting for someone who wont show up.”  
”Maybe you should call and tell him.”  
”Pope or Baz?”  
”The one who gives a shit.”  
  
Deran just shakes his head and rubs a hand over his face.  
  
”This fucking family… Or what the hell one should call it. Feels more like a less successful, white trash version of the mob. So fucking sick of it… Sick of dragging that shit with me and this… I mean, I’m still getting involved because my brothers can’t plan ahead and I’m too easy to persuade.”  
  
Adrian can’t help but laughing and Deran frowns.  
  
”What?”  
”Which one of the Cody brothers asked if he could come with me to Belize and stayed there for five weeks without telling his control freak mom? Who bought a bar behind his mom’s and his brothers’ backs, worked his ass off to make it happen without any help from her? Who moved out for real?”  
”Guess you have a point.”  
  
Adrian winks.   
  
”I’m a smart cookie.”  
  
Deran gives an exhausted laughter. The bar is dusky and the only light now comes from the old neon signs on the walls, the lamp in the fridge and a small candle on the table.   
  
”Can you promise me something?”  
”What?”  
”If you’re getting tired of this, or you wanna leave Oceanside or just… If you don’t want _us_ anymore, can you promise you’ll tell me? When you were gone and…”  
”Deran… It wont happen.”  
  
Adrian reaches out to take Deran’s hand. He’s come so far since opening The Drop, it’s almost like he’s a different person. In the same time, he’s more himself than he’s been in years. And that’s beautiful to witness.


	30. Deran

”Uncle Deran…? Uncle Deran…?”  
”Hey… You awake?”  
”Can’t sleep.”  
  
Deran throws an eye on his phone. Almost three in the morning. Lena looks very small and lost in the giant t-shirt and Deran scratches his head. The bed is far too small for three, it’s already too small for two. Adrian sits up, apparently awake.  
  
”You had a nightmare?”  
  
Lena nods and Adrian reaches his arms out for her. Deran sighs but he’s smiling as the kid crawls up to Adrian and practically pushes Deran down from the mattress.   
  
”Are you stealing both my bed _and_ Adrian from me, Lena?”  
  
There’s no heat in his voice, of course not, he’s had his own share of nightmares and it’s pretty fucked up having her sleeping in a strange place without even a real bed, not to mention two people who’re practically strangers to her. No wonder she has nightmares. Deran looks at the bed and then he gets up and starts removing the mattress.   
  
”What are you up to?”  
”Making a larger bed. Move a bit, alright.”  
  
With a little work, they fix some kind of very temporary double bed on the floor and Lena is soon snuggled down between her uncle and his lover and goes back to sleep within a few minutes, laying on Adrian’s arm.   
  
”She likes you.”  
”She’s a sweet kid.”  
”Yeah…”  
  
Deran sighs. The sight is pretty cute and Lena obviously feels safe enough with both of them to sleep calmly, but it’s still so fucked up, seeing his niece all cuddled in against Adrian’s chest, when he’s a stranger to her.  
  
”What are you thinking about?”  
”This… It’s weird…”  
”You mean Lena?”  
”She barely knows us.”  
  
Adrian’s eyes are tired and serious in the darkness, like two concearning spots of light and he takes Deran’s hand, swirling their fingers together over Lena’s sleeping form.  
  
”She trusts Smurf, Baz and Pope and she knows they trust us.”  
”At least Baz and Pope. If Baz even cares…”  
”This family is so fucked up…”  
”Not all the time. Not everyone.”  
  
Adrian’s voice is soft and warm. Comforting when it should be Deran comforting him.   
  
”Try not to think and get some more sleep, Deran. Kids have nightmares all the time and she’s sleeping now. She feels safe and you need to sleep.”  
  
He’s right. Besides, there’s nothing to be done about Deran’s fucked up family now anyway. Adrian squeezes his hand a little and the touch makes Deran feel strangely safe. Before his erratic mind can work itself up enough to start panicking over all this, the weariness takes over and he drifts back to sleep.


	31. Adrian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after...

”Breakfast is served! You made coffee?”  
”A whole pot.”  
  
Deran looks absolutely knackered but he’s smiling at the breakfast delivery and gives Adrian a kiss, apparently not concerned at all with Lena looking.  
  
”I’m starving. What did you buy?”  
  
Adrian nods a Lena.  
  
”Lena, what’s for breakfast?  
”Bagels… and… juice?”  
”Smoothies, sweetheart.”  
”Smoothies.”  
  
They sit down by one of the small tables and Deran suddenly looks confused.  
  
”What day is it?”  
”Saturday.”  
”Thank God. Otherwise I guess Lena would be late for school. You hungry, Lena?”  
  
She nods and then grabs her bagel with ham and cheese, taking a large bite. Adrian isn’t very hungry himself, but the kid has made him think less about what’s happened to him and he finds it fairly easy to eat without feeling sick, as long as he eats slowly.  
  
”Uncle Deran?”  
”Yeah?”  
”Can I ask you something?”  
”Sure you can.”  
  
Lena puts her bagel down and looks first at her uncle, then Adrian and then again on her uncle.  
  
”Is Adrian your boyfriend?”  
  
Deran coughs and then he blushes, as Adrian can’t help but chuckle. When he sees how hard Deran has to know what to say, Adrian solves it by taking his hand and smiling at Lena.  
  
”Yes, I’m Deran’s boyfriend. Is that okay with you? I mean, he’s your uncle.”  
  
Lena nods, looking like she’s made a serious decision and Deran just shakes his head, still blushing.  
  
”Glad you’re approving, Lena.”   
  
Then he leans over to kiss Adrian again, this time on the mouth and it’s sappy and silly but Adrian still loves it, not being kept in the shadows anymore.


	32. Deran

Pope and Craig show up but not Baz. It’s almost lunch time and Deran’s been busy with paperwork while Adrian’s been off to his shop. Lena has spent the morning coloring and reading and looks happy to see her oldest uncle, leaving her crayons to hug him. Pope lifts her up, looking relieved, like he expected Deran to feed her alcopops or leave her sleeping in the bar.  
  
”Hey, sweetie. How are you doing?”  
”I’m fine.”  
”Yeah? Uncle Deran and Adrian were nice?”  
”Uh-huh.”  
”No bad dreams?”  
”One. But they let me sleep in their bed.”  
”Oh, good. You slept well then?”  
”Yeah. And Adrian let me come with him to buy breakfast.”  
”Really? What did you have for breakfast?”  
”Bagels. And orange juice.”  
  
Craig rolls his eyes.  
  
”What did you think they’d feed her, Pope? Skittles and leftover drinks?”  
  
Pope doesn’t answer, but takes the offered cup of coffee from Deran’s brewer and leans back on the wall with Lena still propped on his arm.   
  
”Where’s Adrian?”  
”At home. And don’t tell me how things went or where Baz is or anything.”  
”He’s picking up Lucy somewhere.”  
  
Deran doesn’t have to guess what Pope thinks of choosing Lucy over Lena and to be honest, Deran finds the whole thing damn fucking irresponsible and pathetic too. The girls mom is gone and her dad seems about as interested in her like an annoyed big brother would be to babysit his little sister. It’s as if Lena is a chore to be delegated to whomever has time to spare.  
  
”Uncle Pope?”  
”Yeah, sweetie?”  
”Can we go to the beach today?”  
”Sure we can.”  
  
It’s interesting, the level of care Pope has for Lena, who isn’t even his kid. He was at best an annoyed and silent babysitter, snapping for nothing, and at worst the kind of big brother who pinned you down with an absolutely horrifying gaze, telling you to shut the fuck up and stop acting like a baby because you scrubbed your knee. But he was a teen then, of course, and Lena has no brother she’s ending up fighting with non-stop, that Pope has to break. She also loves her uncle and Deran silently thinks that Pope probably loves her more than he’s ever loved anyone else in this family, apart from maybe Julia. And Lena’s not even his kid.


	33. Adrian

It seemed like a good idea but it’s not. He’s not fit to work at all and being alone in the closed shop just feels genuinly depressing. Being with the kid made it easier to stay calm but Adrian’s been completely unaware of just how much he held back in her presence. He’s walking around the shop, not sure what to do, when he sees the stash of unopened mails. He starts going through them, most of them are simply the usual bills and commercial stuff, except for one.  
  
Adrian swallows several times while reading the impersonal, very business-like letter, informing him that the rent for the shop is raised with 25% per month due to the ”market prices being raised in general in the area”. It’s signed _Sincerely, Janine Cody_.  
  
He feels numb. Nauseous and dizzy and he sinks down on the chair, hands shaking. He’s done with this, so fucking done with all the crap the Cody’s are able to stain others with. Or in particular, the crap Smurf makes others go through. Adrian’s not wanted to think of it as a real possibility, it’s felt too sick even for Smurf, but what if she’s somehow behind the abduction? Maybe not to actually harm Adrian but to scare him… To make him stay away from… No! No, that’s too fucking insane. It’s just… No way she’d do that considering how little it took for Deran just to run away to Belize with Adrian.  
  
The thoughts make him feel like he’s some sort of puppet for Smurf to dangle in front of Deran, threaten to take it away if it suits her. She can no longer threaten him with taking her love away or leave him alone because Deran’s showed time and again now he’s more than capable on his own and he’s also convinced Smurf never loved him or his brothers in the first place so what’s left for her to take? The bar? Sure, but without burning it to the ground and literally risking Deran’s life or report him to the cop which would only backfire on herself, there’s little she can do about it.  
  
What she can do, however, is to try and keep _outsiders_ away. Either by making Deran believe they don’t care or by making the outsiders themselves – such as Adrian – aware of just how much Smurf is willing to do in order to keep her little pack of wolves close and controlled, even when they think they’ve broken the bond. There’s simply no happy way for this, because in the end, it’s Smurf who’s holding the strings and moving her puppets to her liking. Unless Deran follows her lead she will make his life hell in one way or another and who’s a better tool for that than someone he cares about. Especially someone he seems more afraid to loose than Smurf.  
  
The shop suddenly feels cold and Adrian shivers despite the sunny weather outside. The letter’s grinning at him from the desk as if saying _if you’re taking my baby from me, I’m taking your baby from you_. But the shop, even if it’s important to him, isn’t Adrian’s baby. It’s a job and one he enjoys, but he doesn’t _love_ it. He loves Deran, simple – and hard – as that. Beneath all the bullshit and the cocky attitude, the rich momma boy traits and selfish and spoiled brat appearence, desperately looking for her approval, there’s this genuinly sweet and caring, rough on the edges guy that really does care. Adrian loved him before he had a name for what he felt, still loves him and whatever happens there will probably always be a part of him that loves Deran Cody, but it’s hard, maybe too hard, and Adrian’s tired, hurt and scared. He’s only human and that’s not enough.


	34. Deran

He feels like he’s back to his old self again. Not the kid Adrian grew up with, but the guy who was an asshole to him while simultaneously trying to keep his distance and keep watch over him. Jealous, insecure and shit scared. He’s called Adrian several times without getting an answer, Adrian’s not by his shop and not at home either. If Deran had been another person, or if Smurf had taught him the difference between being possessive and being worried, he might have known he’s not actually possessive or controlling now, simply afraid that Adrian’s being somewhere with another panic attack, all scared and alone.  
  
Deran’s sitting in the car, without really knowing if he’s gonna drive somewhere at all and the feeling of helplessness is one hell of a trigger now. It reminds too much of things he’s tried to, if not forget so at least not think about. When Adrian was gone, Deran was too angry and hurt to think of the possibility that…   
  
He can’t think of it! The memories from that night are buried once and for all, that’s what Deran’s thought, but now they’re coming back. The fear, the shuttering pain, how the coke made him feel more disoriented than high and alert. Deran shouldn’t remember how weak and limp he felt, how the guy didn’t care for anything but taking him hard and long, blind and deaf to anything but his own cock. Deran remembers, doesn’t want to remember, tries so hard not to fucking remember how scared he was, how much it hurt, that he cried and begged…   
  
He’s opening the door with shaky hands and throws up on the ground, his head is throbbing and the pulse is going through the roof. He’s been shutting down his own feelings for so long, the short time of openness when he found his way back to Adrian again is crushed beneath the weight from years of forced silence. Inner and outer. The fear of being abandoned, unloved, weak. Only it’s not Smurf’s seemingly love he needs now. He’s not needed her since he finally broke free, it’s she who needs _him_ now and that has turned a more than twentyfive years long balance of power into something new that Smurf isn’t in control of and that makes her even more dangerous.  
  
Deran’s tried to force the thoughts of her being behind hurting Adrian, but why wouldn’t she? She’s made the family help her cover up a murder, she had Javier shot in front of Baz and what about Cath going missing? The things she’s done to people she once called family, only to say they aren’t the moment they weren’t useful to her anymore…  Family to Smurf is people who obey her blindly, who depend on her in every way and what’s she suppose to do with a son who doesn’t wanna screw her… The women who’ve been coming but most of all going in the Cody family; Julia and Cath but also Lucy, Ren and lately Nicky, not to mention countless of more or less steady girlfriends Deran’s brothers have had since their late teens, have only been allowed as long as Smurf had some sort of control. Not so much it was visible, of course, but the kind of silent, waiting, deceivingly tolerant control, like a string getting tighter and tighter around your neck, but so slow you learn how to breathe with less and less air before you even realise you’re getting strangled.  
  
Smurf being in control is dangerous. Smurf _not_ being in control can be life threatening. Not to her, but to the people her so called beloved family care about.


	35. Adrian

It’s a terrible idea and he knows it, is fully aware of how stupid he’s acting but he can’t stop himself. He’s too scared and for good fucking reasons. Unpaid bills and an abandoned shop will come biting his ass, but they’re not lethal and he can’t be responsibe if he’s dead.  
  
He’s only bringing what he had time to pack, the most important of course, but the furniture are left and some clothes, household stuff and even some boards. The rent for the apartment is paid for three months in advance with money Adrian actually needs to just get some shitty motel room, gas and food, but if he can come back to get the last stuff, at least it wont have been thrown out on the street.   
  
Oceanside lays behind him. He’s been driving for a long time, but it’s over a thousand miles to Oregon where his own so called family lives. Two parents who’re anything but parents and a sister he’s not been talking to for at least six months. Non of them knows anything about his life, only that he’s surfing, living in Oceanside and, to their great dismay, is gay. A very hard blow for Evangelical Christians, if not as horrible as the fact that he’s also an atheist. The annual Christmas call is not as much an uncomfortable happy holiday conversation, as a painful reminder from mom that Adrian’s welcome back to the family with open arms if he just renounce his sinful ways. If he turn himself over to Jesus and become if not straight so at least celibat.   
  
It’s not always been like that. Adrian’s parents didn’t turn to church until his late teens and when they decided to move to Adrian’s older sister and her husband in Portland, Adrian already had a steady job, was out of the closet and had no wish what so ever to join any church and definately not move. His parents asked him to choose and he chose himself. Chose the surfing, chose freedom, chose Deran and lost a family. It didn’t feel like he lost them, though. He’d already lost them and when they left, even wishing him well before driving off, Adrian mostly felt relieved. The mourning had been going on for years, silently and daily, and when he’d said goodbye, he called Deran and they went surfing. It was before Belize, but Deran was his best friend and afraid of loosing him as well, Adrian never told the real reason why he’d not went with his parents.   
  
Driving to Oregon, to a family who doesn’t want him, is only slightly less fucked up than getting together with a criminal who’s mom wants you dead. To be fair, he doesn’t know if Smurf actually wants him dead, or just wants him gone. His own parents probably wont even open the door unless he’s making some sort of promise of ”redemption” he of course has no intention to keep, but desperate times demand desperate moves and all Adrian’s capable of thinking about right now, is to survive. Survive as in not end up getting shot in the head by some thug Smurf hired to get him out of her way. Survive as in having to beg his parents or sister to let him in for the night, asking them to have pity because he’s running for his life.  
  
He’s no idea how far he’s been driving and he’s getting tired. He passed Malibu a while ago but it feels like he’s been on the road for hours and when he’s reaching a traffic line and is forced to stop, his emotions reach him too and he’s leaning on the steering wheel, crying like a little child who’s gone lost and that’s exactly how he feels.


	36. Pope

”Exactly how stupid do you think I am?”  
”Hi, sweetie, I didn’t see you coming.”  
”What did you tell him?”  
”What are you talking a…”  
”Cut the bullshit, Smurf!”  
  
She’s afraid of him. He’s the only one of the brothers who’s been able to make her feel small despite not being very tall himself. Now she’s standing before him, petite figure with her usual stone face.   
  
”Where’s Adrian?”  
”How would I know?”  
  
Pope just shakes his head.  
  
”You really want Deran to leave, don’t you? You fucking idiot... Deran’s not Baz. If he has to choose between you and Adrian, he’ll choose Adrian, have you not figured that one out yet?”  
”I’m not making him choose anyth…”  
”What did you tell Adrian?”  
”I’ve not talked to the surfer boy about anything else than business.”  
”Yeah, I bet you only talked business, because that’s what everything is to you: business.”  
”I’m protecting this family, as I’ve always done, as I did when you…”  
”Killed Cath because you told me too! Because she was a threat to you!”  
”To _us_!”  
”And what threat does Adrian represent?”  
”Nothing. But he’s not one of us. He’s not _family_.”  
”He’s _Deran’s_ family!”  
  
Pope almost shivers now, he’s so upset and he’s moving towards Smurf, threatingly close to the kitchen island where she’s been baking a load of muffins, forcing her to move backwards.  
  
”Pope… Baby…”  
” _What_ did you _tell_ him? No fucking lies!”  
  
The glimpse of fear in her eyes lights a sparkle of malice in him.  
  
”I’ve not had my meds for some days now… And I’ve not been sleeping very well either…”  
  
The threat hangs in the air, the potential madness, the wild card not even Smurf can gamble with.  
  
”I… I raised the rent and… and then one of his co-workers called me and said he’d left.”  
”How much?”  
”How much what?”  
”How much did you raise it with?”  
  
She swallows, as if she’s actually afraid.   
  
”Twentyfive percent.”  
  
Pope laughs. It’s a joyless, cynical laughter and by the look of Smurf, boardering on terrifying.  
  
”You raised the kid’s rent just weeks after he’s been in hospital after a fucking kidnapping, making it impossible for him to keep the shop without thinking Deran would find out? You’re trying to make his life fucking miserable, to have him crawl back to you by scaring away the only one who’s made him happy when he _knows_ you have something to do with it?! What are you expecting? That he’ll lick his wounds for a few weeks and then come home, forgetting about Adrian?”  
  
He nails her with his gaze, not needing muscles or weapons to intimidate her.  
  
”If anything, and I mean _anything_ , happens to Adrian, or Deran, or Deran’s bar or Adrian’s shop, or their apartments or fucking _surfboards_ , you’ll wish I was still in prison and Deran back in Belize with Adrian – for good.”


	37. Craig

”Jesus, you really think she’d…”  
”Yes, I do!”  
”Alright, calm down, man... Where’s Deran?”  
”Out surfing with friends, having a good time. Where the hell do you think he is?! He’s out looking for Adrian, you stupid fuck!”  
  
When Pope’s in this mood, there’s nothing to do but follow his lead. Craig’s older brother is stubborn as a fucking mule and drives his car like they’re out on a damn mission. Which it, considering who they’re looking for, probably is. Craig’s calling Deran, not getting an answer.  
  
”Dude, where exactly are _we_ going?”  
”Getting Deran.”  
  
Craig rolls his eyes.  
  
”And where’s Deran?”  
”Don’t know.”  
”And Lena?”  
”With her whiny ass daddy who suddenly could be bothered.”  
  
They’re looking over all the ”usual” places and when they’re done, Pope drives off Oceanside and onto the road heading for Santa Monica. Craig, knowing how a too determined Pope can be like, sighs.  
  
”Okay, dude, I’m all about helping, but I’m not following you mindlessly to fucking… wherever Deran is.”  
”Try calling him again.”  
  
Craig does as asked, there’s only voicemail again but this time he leaves a message.  
  
”Hey Adrian, it’s Craig. Listen, uhm, we’re out looking for you and Deran’s panicking so please call him. Or call me. We’re not gonna drag you back to Deran, or anything, but we’re worried, man. Please call.”  
  
He puts the phone down.  
  
”Now could you tell me where we’re going?”  
”Oregon.”  
  
Craig just stares at him.  
  
”Oregon? Fucking _Oregon_?”  
”We’re not driving _to_ Oregon, you idiot. Adrian has family there and he can’t have come very far.”  
”Do you even know he’s heading there?”  
”It’s our best guess.”  
  
This is where Craig realise it’s the wrong time trying to persuade his brother to do anything but maybe keeping the speed limit and later on take breaks. Pope has his manic gaze, fixed on the road, and they’ve not been driving for very long. Craig decides to drop the protests and just wait it out, even if that means ending up fucking halfway to Oregon for nothing.


	38. Deran

It’s the last place he could think of that Adrian could actually go to and he wouldn’t have given it a thought earlier. Adrian never sees his family but Deran knows where they live and… And what? It’s worth a try? Another call goes to voicemail and Deran swallows.  
  
”Don’t do this to me… Please, just… pick up the phone, Adrian. Don’t…”  
  
He’s left several messages already and been able to keep calm but now he’s crying. Sobbing.  
  
”Why are you doing this, man? You know I… I’ve been trough this once already and I’m not… This is killing me, you know that?! I don’t know what’s happening and last time you… I’m scared, Adrian. I know I’ve been an asshole but I’ve tried to… really fucking _tried_ to be better, man, and I thought you… Just call me so I know you’re… alive.”  
  
He’s been driving around for what feels like hours and he’s not heard from Pope, only a message from Craig that Pope’s in some kind of frenzy and heading for Oregon – talk about desperate measures – and there’s no way Craig could make him turn until he’s coming down from the mania a bit. The gas light is blinking and lucky enough, there’s a small gas station close, like a lonely beakon by the road.  
  
When he stops, Deran realises he doesn’t know exactly where he is or how far he’s been driving. He walks out of the car, fills the tank and goes inside the store to get something to drink. He needs sugar and caffein, needs something to keep him going and he grabs a couple of energy drinks and a chocolate bar and goes to the registrer, adding a package of cigarettes as well.  
  
”These… and a full tank, please…”  
”Are you alright, son?”  
  
Deran looks up from his phone and sees a pair of warm, brown eyes in a black, quite wrinkled face. The store owner taps in the prizes on the register, takes and hands back Deran’s card and then, before the receit is done, he hands over a package of tissues. That’s when Deran realises he’s actually crying again, probably from the tension and low blood suger level – he’s not been eating since a very quick lunch on the go and he’s exhausted. The store owner puts the stuff in a bag and then walks from the register with a stool, putting it next to Deran.  
  
”Rest a little.”  
”Th-thank you… I’m sorry, I…”  
”Is it a girl?”  
  
Deran almost laughs and shakes his head.  
  
”No. Yes… I mean, no, not exactly.”  
”A guy then?”  
  
Deran looks up, incredulous, but the store owner looks more like some friendly old uncle than a gay basher and without really thinking, Deran nods. The man gives a little smile.  
  
”You aint the first kid coming running in here looking like you’ve just had your heart crushed and not all old people are conservatives or homophobes, you know. What’s your name?”  
”Deran.”  
”And the guy?”  
”Adrian.”  
”Deran and Adrian… So, Deran, what happened?”


	39. Adrian

_”Hello?”_  
  
He’s not heard the voice in years, only like a murmur in the background along with the radio, drowned and out of reach.  
  
”Hi dad. It’s me… Adrian.”  
  
Silence. Breathing. Hesitation.  
  
_”Hello, Adrian.”_  
”I… uhm… is mom home?”  
_”She’s at the shelter. Did something happen?”_  
  
_I’ve been kidnapped and before that my best friend/boyfriend/whatever the fuck got raped and his psycho mom wants me gone and I’m scared._  
  
”Can I… come home? I’ve…”  
_”You know the terms, Adrian. We’ve been over this before.”_  
  
Cold. Not like Smurf’s voice, but a different kind. Distant, strained. Like it actually pains him to say it and Adrian knows he could lie. He could tell about Deran, only adding he’s realised this was the wrong way for him and that he’s ready to change. A few words and he’d be welcomed back home, get some comfort and be a part of the family again. All he has to do is pretending he’s someone he’s not. He swallows.  
  
”I can’t lie, dad. I… I am who I am and I can’t change for you or anyone, but… I don’t ask of you to like it, just… accept.”  
_”It’s not about what I want, Adrian. This is about what God expects from us and…”_  
  
Adrian puts the phone down and the soft, reasonable voice is cut off. What was he thinking? Has he been thinking at all? He’s never let Deran know about this and there’s no wonder Deran’s never asked much since his own family is what it is. At the same time, bizarre as it is, no ones closer to him than Deran and no matter what Smurf thinks, no one’s closer to Deran than Adrian. Not even Craig. Once, and it seems like a lifetime ago, Deran was the healthiest relationship Adrian had. They grew up together, _grew together_ to something that meant more than surfing, skating, having a good time or fucking.  
  
Ever since Belize, no one else would do for any of them. Not in the long run. No one else has been enough for them to let go of each other completely. No matter if Adrian’s met other guys or Deran’s kept trying with girls, they’ve never been able to stop, living of the memory of five weeks in Belize but also a time when they were best fucking friends and hadn’t fallen in love with each other yet. Or at least weren’t aware of it. And all Adrian knows for sure that he wants, that he needs, is a place where he doesn’t have to choose between happiness and safety.  
  
Sitting in his car, trying to keep himself together and figure out where to go as his last panic option has gone up in smoke, is the safest place he’s got now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's my very au explanation to the real reason why Adrian's keeping away from his biological family. Not canon at all, of course, but canon isn't my thing as most of my readers know by now.


	40. Deran

”Well, kiddo… That’s not the kind of story I expected, I’ll tell you that. But…”  
”What?”  
  
He’s almost stopped crying and his face is probably all swollen, but he feels strangely better, after opening up to a complete stranger. The store owner lights a smoke for himself and then Deran, who’s not finding his own lighter at the moment. Not a single customer has entered and Deran realises he really is off. The man blows out a massive cloud of smoke.  
  
”There’s no one like your first, you know. My wife… we met when we were kids. Was hate on first sight.”  
  
Deran laughs a little and the man – Rodney as he presented himself as – smiles.  
  
”Oh yeah, we couldn’t stand each other and unfortunately we were both classmates, neighbors _and_ went to the same church! We saw each other more or less every day, several times, for almost twelve years before the penny dropped. I think she knew before me, I was a slow learner… and shy. Was easier to pick a fight with her than admit I liked her. And oh God, did we fight…”  
  
Rodney chuckles and shakes his head.  
  
”We were married for almost forty years, you know. Her dad never accepted it.”  
”Why?”  
”She was Mexican and I black. Biracial marriages weren’t very… popular back then.”  
”You married your first?”  
”I did. Not that I didn’t fall in love with others later on, we both did, that’s how it is. People seem to think that it’s all about the first fling, but it’s the friendship that will make it last, kiddo. You gotta have something more than those honeymoon feelings to work it out and lots of relationships have survived far worse things than a panicked flight. Jesus, kiddo… If I’d meant it everytime I told myself I just wanted to drive off and never look back, I’d still be on the run.”  
  
Deran swallows.  
  
”I’m not… you know… trying to chase after him like…”  
”Oh, I get that. You’ve said and done some pretty bad stuff, but he’s forgiven you and you’ve made it up to him and that’s good. You’re worried and why shouldn’t you be? I mean, he’s the love of your life, right?”  
  
Deran shrugs, can’t make himself answer that, but Rodney just smiles again.  
  
”Word of advice, Deran. Go and get some sleep instead of driving around blindly. Call someone who can stay with you on the phone and just… try and cool down. In your condition, driving on a high traffic road in the middle of the night, you’ll only put yourself and others in danger. This is not the end of the world, kiddo, and car accidents have never fixed a messy relationship. Neither has low blood sugar.”  
  
Deran smiles too, can’t resist it and rubs a hand over his sticky face.  
  
”Thanks.”  
  
Rodney gives him a hug, the kind of comforting and undemanding hug Deran’s seen parents giving their kids from a distance. It feels strange but not wrong, not at all, and the world somehow feels just a little less indifferent, a little more… human.


	41. Adrian

The motel room is decent enough, just so fucking depressing. Adrian locks the door and sinks down on the bed. He’s so tired he can barely keep his eyes open and the reality of how reckless he’s acted, starts to sink in. Since seeing the letter from Smurf, he’s had some kind of tunnel vision, the fear being the only thing reaching his mind and making him act. He’s not even sure of how long it’s been since he left Oceanside or what day it is.  
  
He’s dirty, clothes muggy after long hours in the car and he uses his last strenght to drag himself into the shower before he goes through one of his bags for some clean shorts and a t-shirt. Finally he’s too exhausted to think of Smurf, his parents or Deran, and he’s asleep almost the second he lays down on the lumpy pillow.  
  
The sleep is heavy, dreamless and long. When he wakes up he feels nauseous from lack of food, his head is throbbing and he’s confused. It takes a moment before he realises where he is and recalls what’s happened.  
  
_What the fuck is he doing?_  
  
No one has told Adrian that panic isn’t just freezing on spot, screaming or running for your life. It can also be a seemingly calm decision to leave everything behind, turning the car key and keeping the speed limit for miles and miles, neither looking back nor forward, only staring at the road. Panic could be fearing that an explanation will end up ruining what little there is and thinking that the effect to be less hurtful with enough miles between yourself and the one you’re running from.  
  
He turns his phone on, seeing lots of missed calls and messages he doesn’t dare to read or listen to, from Deran but also Pope and Craig. Adrian hesitates a little before he decides for Craig’s latest message, that came in just an hour ago.  
  
”Adrian, it’s me again. This is getting too fucked up now, man. Deran’s out looking for you and we’ve not heard from him since last night. I don’t care what’s happened or if you’re breaking up with my brother, I just don’t want him out on the roads panicking because he thinks you’re dead or something! _Just. Fucking. Call him._ Whatever bullshit Smurf pulled this time, we’ll sort it out, okay. We’re not gonna let her fuck things up for you or Deran anymore. And if it’s not about Smurf, we’ll help you anyway we can no matter what, just… _pick up the damn phone!_ ”  
  
Then he listens to one of Deran’s.  
  
Adrian’s sits like frozen. The contrast between the distant voice of his dad, whom he’s not seen for years, and the broken sound from Deran, trying to keep his tears silent, the panic from shining through is too much and the fear that drove Adrian away, finally gives space for a sliver of doubt from the desperate plea:  
  
”Don’t do this to me… Please, just… pick up the phone, Adrian. Don’t… I… I’ve been trough this once already and I’m not… This is killing me, you know that?! I don’t know what’s happening and last time you… I’m scared, Adrian.”  
  
Fear. Is that all that’s left? Adrian clicks away the voicemail, swallows hard and dials a number he’d promised himself not to touch. It’s not Deran’s.


	42. Deran

He’s still by the gas station. Rodney is just about to close the store for the night and hands over another tissue Deran’s not even aware he needs. Rodney smiles.  
  
”You’re not gonna take my advice and go home to sleep, right?”  
”Probably not.”  
”Then you’ll need this.”  
  
Deran manages a small smile as well and Rodney pours him a cup of coffe from the last pot.  
  
”Thanks, man.”  
  
He takes his wallet out but Rodney just shakes his head.  
  
”If you don’t drink it I’ll only have to throw it out later.”  
  
Deran sometimes wonders how most people are. Most like in normal, if there’s such a thing as normal. What would this Rodney guy say if he’d known about all the shit Deran’s done? That he’s a thief and robber who’ve threatened and kicked the shit out of innocent people, cracked his best friends ribs and had his brother almost kill a man out of pure jealousy. That Adrian’s been afraid of him and probably would’ve done so much better without him and especially the shit coming from the Cody family in his life.  
  
He stares at his phone again. Nothing. Maybe he’s just trying to deny the obvious. Maybe Adrian really did leave this time, by his own free will and wont let Deran know where he’s gone before he feels safe? Maybe Adrian wanted to leave all this time since he was released from the kidnappers and why wouldn’t he? Even without all the shit Deran personally did to him, even if Deran would’ve been a truly nice guy, open and free from Smurf, never raising a hand against Adrian, there are still dangers with being associated with the Cody family.  
  
He’s not realised how tired he is until now. The coffee wont keep him going for much longer, he needs sleep. Rodney is locking up the store and Deran raises from the stool and takes his wallet out.   
  
”Sure you don’t want me to pay for this?”  
”Already closed the register, kiddo, and it’s too much work opening it again. You’re not gonna make me do all that work this late, right?”  
  
Deran rarely thinks about how it would’ve been growing up with a father. He looks at the old black man with grey hair and dark eyes.   
  
”You have kids?”  
”A son and a daughter. Theo and Julia.”  
”Like my sister…”  
”You have a sister?”  
”Had. She left… a long time ago. She died from an overdose.”  
”I’m so sorry, kiddo.”  
  
Deran shrugs.  
  
”Rarely saw her for like… the last fifteen years or so. What I wanted to say is… sounds stupid maybe, but it’s… you just seem like you’re the daddy type, I guess.”  
”Well… I love being a parent. Sadly, not all people who get kids are… really up for it. Your father left?”  
”Before I was born. Never met him. Had my brothers though.”  
”That’s good.”  
”Yeah…”  
  
He strokes his hair away.   
  
”Really… thank you for this. The coffee and… you know, just listening to my whining.”  
  
Rodney gives him another hug, patting his back.  
  
”You’re welcome, kiddo. You take care now, drive carefully and take breaks so you don’t end up dead or killing someone on the road.”  
”I will.”  
”And when you find your boy, remember what I told you.”  
”What?”  
  
Rodney smiles.  
  
”That it’s very rarely the end of the world.”


	43. Adrian

He feels like a coward, which is weird considering whom he called and stayed around wating for. He’s laying on the bed, unable to care anymore. He should be sleeping, his body screams for it but he can’t. He’s screwed up royally, that’s for sure, and the fact that he’s not afraid anymore is one hell of a contrast to the last days of running for life. He should be sleeping, or running. Maybe barricading the door someone is knocking at.  
  
”Adrian? You’re there?”  
  
He leaves the bed, body so heavy it feels like he’s got fucking lead in his veins. He shambles to the door and opens it very slowly. Two pair of eyes, dark as pepper and greyish blue, are looking at him and he opens a bit more, backing to give room.   
  
”Jesus, Adrian…”  
  
Craig’s voice is tired and he’s hugging Adrian, sighing.  
  
”Man, you’re an idiot… You know that, right?”  
”Yeah…”  
  
Craig lets go of him and then he feels Pope’s arms around him, strangely comforting.   
  
”Are you okay?”  
”Yeah.”  
”What were you thinking, man?”  
”Wasn’t thinking. You’ve called Deran?”  
  
Craig shakes his head.  
  
”No, man. Wanted to see if you were really here first.”  
  
Not making him hope too much. Adrian gets it. He rubs his face.  
  
”I… I can’t talk to him now.”  
”It was Smurf, right? She had you leave.”  
  
Pope sounds perfectly calm and somehow that makes it worse. Adrian swallows hard and Craig sighs.  
  
”We know she raised your rent. She wants you to stay away from Deran, we get that, but she’s not in charge anymore.”  
”No?”  
  
Adrian snorts.  
  
”Someone had me fucking _kidnapped_ without demanding a ransom or anything. Deran broke two of my ribs when J saw us together just to keep it from Smurf! Raising the rent to make it impossible for me to keep the business… to have me stay away from her precious little baby! I’ll end up dead!”  
”No, you wont!”  
  
Pope’s voice is hard, almost chilling and his eyes wont tolerate any arguments. He holds Adrian’s shoulders, looking him in the eyes.  
  
”I’ve already let her know, that if anything happens to you in the future, I’ll assume she’s behind it and I’ll personally make her life a living hell. Smurf is manipulative and dangerous, but she’s not fucking almighty.”  
”She thinks she is.”  
  
He’s tired. So fucking tired and he has no idea what’s the right thing to do. Craig takes his phone.  
  
”Can I at least call Deran and tell him we found you? He’s assuming the worst.”  
”Can’t talk to him now.”  
”You don’t have to, man. Just gonna let him know you’re with us, okay?”  
  
It wasn’t supposed to end like this. He never wanted to hurt Deran, he just… Adrian closes his eyes and nods.  
  
”Okay.”


	44. Deran

Driving in his condition, being so tired and pent-up is not a good idea, but at least he’s keeping the speed limit and he’s calm and focused enough to drive. He didn’t talk to Adrian, but that doesn’t matter. Craig wouldn’t lie to him. I takes almost an hour and the traffic is high even at this time at night. He’s already taken the energy drink he bought and it’s starting to kick in.   
  
What made Adrian change his mind? Why did he tell Pope where he was, but not Deran? Honestly, Deran understands that, when he’s had some miles to think about it. He can’t tell himself he would’ve been able to stay calm and not shouting things he’d end up regret, possibly having Adrian running off again. And why did he run? Was it because of Deran? Or Smurf? Or somehing else, having nothing to do with them or the kidnapping? It’s all just so fucking confusing and it’s eating him away.  
  
Mile after fucking mile. He’s forcing himself not to look at his phone, keeping both hands on the wheel and his weary eyes on the road. He can do this. Whatever happened that made Adrian leave, he still called Pope, told him where he was and let him and Craig in. Allowed Craig to call and tell and thank God Adrian’s not been abducted again, or hurt. Not physically, at least.  
  
There’s leaving and then there’s _leaving_. Deran has promised himself never to be the kind of controlling asshole he once was and he’s kept that promise. Had Adrian not wanted him anymore it would’ve been hell, but he’d still be around and Deran is pretty sure he’d be able to handle it in the long rung and possibly getting over it eventually, because he managed that before. He took a step back, not just from Adrian but from a lot of things that made him feel trapped, angry and frustrated. Adrian left their relationship and Deran respected that, which was the only right thing to do, especially considering he was the asshole.  
  
Once he thought he didn’t need Adrian around unless it was on his terms. That he had to be in control in order to get what he needed. That’s how it works in Cody’s world. Love is about leverage. About making sure that the one you love needs you more than you need him or her. And when you do need someone, you must always keep in mind that any weakness you show, can be used against you when you least suspect it. That’s the way ”love” works with Smurf and she can always take away that love when it suits her – or remove someone standing in the way for her ”love”. Now as his mind starts working properly again, Deran has no difficulties admitting to himself he really can’t blame Adrian, if Smurf is the reason he left. Especially after the abduction Deran still doesn’t know who was behind.  
  
The traffic signs and road lights are passing him as he’s getting closer to the small backwater motel where Adrian’s ended up on his flight. The anxiety is turning more and more into anger, the closer he gets. Anger is good, it keeps him focused and alert right now, forcing the weariness, the worry and sadness away. He drives like he’s doing a job, high on stress and tension, but with all other feelings shut out. Or not all. There’s still room for the kind of violent anger, making his mind paint pictures of deliberately cracking Adrian’s ribs again. This time, all twentyfour.


	45. Adrian

”Don’t kill each other. You got that?”  
  
Pope’s voice cuts through the thick silence like a whiplash and then he closes the door. Deran, who rose from the bed the moment Adrian stepped inside but haven’t moved, standing like he’s been stupified, looks… terrible. Not ugly, of course not, but like he’s been dragged through hell and back and can’t fathom he’s back on some kind of safe shore. In a way it’s even worse than when he came back from Mexico after being stitched up. Broken, on the brink of falling apart where he stands.  
  
They’re not speaking. Non of them seem to know what to say and there are only sharp, exhausted breath coming from them, wild eyes brimming with the confused, boiling tension between them. For long seconds they’re just standing staring at each other, unable to move or speak and it takes all Adrian has to get the words out, rusty like he’s forgotten how to form them.  
  
”Deran, I...”  
  
A partly forced down but still audible whimper slips Deran’s lips and as easy as turning a key in the right lock, Adrian takes the two necessairy steps and pulls Deran hard into his arms, their bones creaking from it as Deran almost hysterically, hisses against Adrian’s ear.  
  
”You fucking… fucking asshole… How could… _Fuck you, Adrian… You piece of shit…_ ”  
  
Adrian wants to tell Deran not to cry, that he can’t stand hearing that, but before he can form any words he realises he’s crying too. Deran keeps spitting out words, but they’re cut off from sobs and Adrian doesn’t answer, doesn’t trust his voice so he just buries his face into the crook of Deran’s neck while he’s getting scolded at. He has nothing, not a single lousy word to say in his defence right now. Only when Deran seems out of breath and words, practically just breathing and crying with occasional syllables slipping out against Adrian’s shoulder, fingers digging desperately into his back, Adrian is able to speak again.  
  
”I’m sorry. God, Deran, I’m so, so sorry… Should never have…”  
  
He’s cut off by his own tears, expecting Deran to yell at him, curse, shake or even hit him, but Deran only keeps crying, keeps holding him like he’s trying to understand Adrian’s really there and wont go up in smoke the second Deran lets go. Deran’s heart is beating like he was the one on the run, his whole body using the last strenght is has to just keep Adrian close and they’re both so fucking tired they’re reeling to the bed and falling on it in a pile of utter and complete exhaustion, unable to do anything but holding on to each other for dear life.


	46. Deran

He’s forgotten about Pope and Craig, of Smurf and all the things he’d prepared to yell at Adrian. He wants to scream at him, shake him and keep the distance like he’s not so relivied seeing him. He wants to roar and bite, thrash something with his teeth but instead he finds Adrian’s mouth and all the anger and worry turns into rough kisses, muffled groans and harsh breaths.   
  
They’re both fighting for dominance, almost choking each other but not pulling back. Not an inch. Instead, Adrian lets Deran slam him onto one of the depressing walls, widening his legs to have Deran’s hips grinding against the already hard cock, trapped behind layers of fabric and Deran can’t bite back a moan from the feeling.   
  
There’s no planning, no words or anything to guide in this. Deran’s only aware of how desperately he needs Adrian, needs him in any way possible even if they’re both so tired they can barely stand and shouldn’t be able to do this as all. He’s thrusting hard and fast, rutting like a goddamn animal against Adrian’s crotch, the feral pantings from the man only increasing the feeling of being high and breathless. Adrian’s legs are coming up hard and tight around him, hips undulating like he’s riding him and Deran speeds up, not even understanding where this sudden rush of energy and strenght comes from.  
  
He’s simulating fucking Adrian against the wall, none of them getting anything more than clothed thrusts, contours of their swollen cocks, leaking through their shorts, slick and warm, but it’s enough. They’re so lost in the sudden relief of seeing each other, all the pent-up emotions get molten down to this erratic rutting, mindless and primal. Adrian buries his teeth in Deran’s neck as the motion deep down in his belly starts rushing, speeding up, and he’s gasping when the desperate thrusts finally sends a wave of pleasure through him, wet heat seeping through his pants. Adrian whimpers and Deran’s hips keep jerking harder and faster until he feels Adrian’s teeth bite down almost too hard and his nails digging holes in the skin of Deran’s back as he comes too, hot and hard, legs still locked around Deran’s hips like a vice.  
  
Using his last strength, Deran moves them towards the bed, lowering Adrian carefully and then falling down upon him, limp as a boned fish. Talk. They were supposed to do that. Instead, unconcearned by their stained pants, they fall asleep as they are, Deran like a heavy blanket over Adrian. Adrian with his arms locked around Deran’s back.  
  
Outside the motel room, Craig and Pope listen to the silence from behind the door and Pope, being who he is, opens a little to see the pile of snoring, still clothed manflesh on the bed. He closes the door again and Craig sighs.  
  
”They’re alive?”  
”Unless dead people snore. Lets get some sleep.”


	47. Adrian

He’s not sure how they managed to wake up after only a couple of hours, not to mention drag themselves to the shower. None of them should be able to fucking move and Adrian’s head is heavy and numb, like it’s been stuffed with cotton. Deran’s not let go of him since they slammed together, not even to dry up after the shower. Or maybe it’s Adrian who wont let go. They’re curled up in the small bed now, facing each other and the pillows are getting wet from their still damp hair. Their pants, after a very quick and not very good clean-up in the sink, are hanging in the bathroom and will probably not be dry in the morning.  
  
They’re not talking and so knackered falling asleep should be the easiest thing in the world, but it’s not. The last days stress wont come down so easily and Deran still looks worried. Anxious even. Adrian strokes the wet, blonde curls.  
  
”I wont run away again.”  
  
Deran has a pained look on his face and he takes Adrian’s other hand, sighing.  
  
”You were afraid…”  
”Terrified.”  
”Then how can you promise? What did she say?”  
”Nothing. Just left a letter, raising the rent with 25%.”  
”Why didn’t you come to me?”  
”I panicked. Couldn’t think clear… I even called my parents.”  
  
Adrian laughs a little and squeezes Deran’s hand harder, as he sees the surprised expression.  
  
”Can you believe that, huh?”  
”What did they say?”  
”That I could come home if… if I change.”  
”Change?”  
”Turn straight.”  
” _What?_ ”  
  
Deran looks so perplex it’s almost comical. He frowns.  
  
”You mean, they want to you to like… stop fucking dudes or what?”  
”Stop fucking, kissing, looking at, falling in love with…”  
”That’s… just sick!”  
”Uh-huh.”  
”That’s why you’ve never gone home?”  
”Pretty good reason, huh?”  
”Jesus…”  
”Their best imaginary friend. I actually think they’re more okay with the gay thing than the fact that I’m an atheist. So, yeah… Smurf is sick, but my mom is too. The only difference is that mom doesn’t want me dead, just to conversion therapy.”  
”You never told me this.”  
”And make you even more scared to be open? No fucking way.”  
  
He sniffs, wiping his face because talking about this is hard.  
  
”You know, I have the shop and my competitions, nice people to hang out with and that’s good, but there’s nothing more. I’m not allowed home unless I’m straight and Christian and I’m just not willing to pretend I’m something I’m not, because what’s the fucking point in being loved for not being you.”  
”You should’ve told me… Fuck, _I_ should’ve asked.”  
  
Adrian laughs again.  
  
”Your family is so secluded it’s almost like a cult in some ways. You didn’t ask because I never asked. And that suited me, because what would I tell you? That I was terrified my parents would get suspicious and find out?”  
”When did you tell them?”  
”When I got a job and moved out. Like you, just way earlier.”  
  
Deran strokes a thumb over Adrian’s cheek.  
  
”You were going back to them…”  
”Yeah…”  
”What does that say about me? That you’re ready to go people who…”  
”It’s not you, Deran. It’s Smurf. It’s all about our families, not us. It’s never been about us. And all the sick shit that’s happened lately…”  
  
His pulse is speeding up from the thought and he shivers. Deran re-arranges the covers and pulls Adrian close, burying his nose in the dark, damp hair.  
  
”Listen, I’m not… I wont make any promises I can’t keep and there’s a lot of bullshit in my life I have to sort out, but I… You know, I… If I don’t have you, _at all_ , then… It’s just fucking pointless.”  
  
He swallows, Adrian can feel the slight tension in Deran’s chest and his best friend sighs.  
  
”Not sure if you want to hear it or if you believe me, because of all the shit I’ve done, but… I love you, man. I really love you…”


	48. Deran

He’s not expecting an answer and he doesn’t get one. It just slipped him, or more like forced it’s way out and with the emotional relief of finding Adrian, of being with him again along with the sexual release and the huge weariness, Deran’s protected from his own words. Adrian’s asleep again, curled up like a kitten in his arms and holding Deran’s hands pressed to his chest.  
  
Spooning Adrian… Deran didn’t want to admit how much he liked that. Having another guy in his arms like that, not a girl. It’s like finally fitting together with someone, no curves in the wrong places, no wrong kind of scents or too smoothe arms. Deran loves the way a man’s body forms in his arms. The feeling of muscles, straight hips and the small hairs on the legs, scraping against him. He loves the sense of strenght and he’s finally learning to love the softness as well, admitting he wants it just as much as ripped muscles and a tight ass.  
  
A sleeping Adrian is soft. He’s warm, cuddly and needy, wriggling back to come as close as possible, forming himself like he’s a piece of puzzle, fitting perfectly with Deran. Adrian sleeping in his arms, makes Deran feel trusted, needed. He’s not thinking the word _loved_ , because he doesn’t want to fool himself, getting lost again and ruining things. He loves Adrian, he’s finally admitted that both to himself and the man and if this had happened one or two months ago, it would’ve made Deran himself run away, scared as shit for saying too much both to Adrian and himself. Now he’s simply too tired with too little to loose to care.  
  
Since coming out, Deran’s been more or less forced to rethink roles and types. To learn not to connect stature and highly masculine appearence to one or another preference in bed. It’s been a bit of a shock to see just how many tall and beefy guys out there who’re bottom or versatile. And not at all ashamed of it.  
  
He’s fucked more men now, but only one has fucked him. Deran refuses to count Daniel as a fuck, no matter if it all started good. Being penetrated like that, against your will and violently with only some spit instead of lube hurt like hell and was nothing, nothing at all like having Adrian buried balls deep inside him, pressing on sweet fucking buttons Deran had never dared to explore, neither before nor after. If it’s been even close to that good for Adrian when Deran has fucked him, he now has no problem understanding why Adrian never complained about being the bottom.   
  
These thoughts, along with the fact that Deran hasn’t fucked anyone in a while, really aren’t helping. Sex probably is the last thing he should focus on right now, when he finally has Adrian back again, because last night was all about shock, relief and so much pent-up emotions to handle it doesn’t say anything about how Adrian will feel about them when he wakes up. This isn’t a make up, make out, make love kinda situation. Not that Deran’s ever really experienced one of those, but whatever they feel like, he’s pretty sure it’s nothing like this. Years of fear, confusion and hurt don’t just go away with spooning or love confessions. It doesn’t work that way.  



	49. Adrian

He loves him. Deran Cody, the man who’s made an artform of emotional confusion, who’s taken sick measures to deny whatever he feels that makes him appear vulnerable, _fucking admits he loves him_ more than two years after Belize. For once, Adrian’s the one not finding words. All he seems able to do, is holding on physically, because things were not supposed to get this far and he knows that Deran isn’t expecting an answer, at least not a vocal one. Curling up close, is the only thing Adrian can manage now.  
  
The problem here isn’t Adrian being confused, ’cause he isn’t. He loves Deran, has done so for a very long time and it’s also been a long time since that love was exclusively the friendship kind. Loving your best friend may not be something you admit or even have to say out loud, it’s just there and both of you will know it in some strange telepathic way. But this isn’t platonic friendship and hasn’t been for over two years. It’s been one hell of a battle, that’s for sure, sometimes on the brink of war.  
  
Every step Deran’s been taking since Adrian ”broke up”, has been so careful and mostly taken backwards. He’s backed off without some kind of manipulating plan to ruin things or worm his way back. He’s not tried to persuate him, not been aggressive and definately not violent. Ever since opening the bar, Deran’s _worked_ his way back and Adrian can’t pretend he’s not both amazed, worried and very happy about it. And more than a little confused, because he can’t afford walking dazzled into something again. Adrian is strong, but he’s only human and longing for love makes you weak.  
  
He’s laying awake, thinking too much when he should sleep some more. Makes no sense waking up too early being this tired. Deran’s arms are cradling him so comfortably, it’s like coming home. To what Adrian still doesn’t know. So much have changed since Belize, it’s hard to figure out what’s even left of those weeks. If they’ve chased after them all this time, maybe there’s actually nothing more than friendship between them. What if they get swept away again only to realise they were wrong. Adrian is certain he loves Deran, but that doesn’t mean it will work between them like in a real relationship. What would they even be to each other? Boyfriends? Partners? Somehow that just feels ridiculous.  
  
Deran turns in his sleep, hands sliding away from Adrian, but when met with air and blanket, they move back again. The grip is protective, almost worried and Adrian moves closer, letting the sleeping man know he’s still there. That he wont leave.  
  
Of all the things Adrian knows and doesn’t know, at least this is a safe thing. He wont leave again. Not like this, never. He’s promised that and intend to keep it. Should he ever be so afraid again, he may leave physically, but not without letting Deran know where he is or what scared him. He can’t promise never to panic or act irrationally out of fear again, but he can promise to let Deran know before things go this far. To trust him not to act impulsive and let the old impatient rage take over. He did send his brothers after Adrian this time, but not to force or threat him. Smurf’s grip has loosened more than Adrian ever dared to hope and far more than Deran’s aware of and maybe Deran’s lack of awereness, ironically, is a strenght this time. Adrian doesn’t know if they’ll make it together or what form it will take, but he wont leave like this again. That’s a sure thing.


	50. Pope

”You think he’ll come back with us?”  
”Not with us. With Deran. At least what it sounded like.”  
  
Craig lights a cigarette and rubs his face.   
  
”Don’t you feel just a little… weird about this?”  
”About what?”  
”Hearing Deran having sex next door.”  
”About time you know how it feels like, having your sleep ruined by your brother fucking someone. And they weren’t even loud, it’s the walls here that are thin. You listened on purpose or what?”  
”I’m not Smurf, but they were loud.”  
”Not as loud as you. At least they didn’t kill each other.”  
  
Honestly, Pope doesn’t get why Craig is so fascinated with this. It’s like he truly can’t understand Deran’s gay, or rather why someone can be completely disinterested in women. He accepts it completely, that’s not the point, but he’s weirdly fascinated by the fact that tits and pussy are lost on anyone. Pope checks his phone.  
  
”I should get us some breakfast.”  
”And a lot of coffee.”  
”You stay here.”  
  
It’s an order and Craig rolls his eyes.  
  
”You think they’ll try to escape or what? They were sleeping like dead last I checked.”  
”Good. Make sure they don’t wake up and get some fucked up ideas.”  
”Like what?”  
”Like running away again or having a stupid break-up before they’re even awake, I don’t know. They’re idiots, Craig. What do you want for breakfast?”  
”Anything with a dead animal. No smoothies.”  
”You know how much germs…”  
”I don’t _care_! Get me some meat and coffee and I’ll watch the prisoners.”  
  
Bad morning temper. At least before he has coffee. Pope leaves the motel and drives down to a coffee shop. While he’s standing in line he calls Baz, who surprisingly enough answers and surly informs Pope that Lena’s off to school and Smurf’s out of town again. The cranky tone annoys Pope more than usual now, especially since Baz doesn’t even care to ask if Deran’s okay or if they’ve found Adrian.   
  
Not that it should surprise him. Baz may not be Smurf’s biological son, but he’s sure as hell behaving like he was. Indifferent to anyone but himself.


	51. Craig

”Everything alright, man?”  
”Yeah… We uhm… worked it out.”  
”Sounded more like a workout…”  
”Fuck you.”  
  
Deran sounds a little irritated, but he’s smiling, looking calmer than he’s done in days. Not like actually calm but like he’s not about to burst in his seams anymore. He lights a smoke and Craig nods at the half-closed door.  
  
”He’s still asleep?”  
”Yeah.”  
  
His baby bro sinks down to sit on the ground, leaning against the wall. He’s wearing something that looks like Adrian’s clothes. Brown pants, too long for him, and a blue checkered shirt.  
  
”Where’s Pope?”  
”Buying breakfast. Listen, uhm… He’s coming back with us, right? Adrian.”  
  
Deran blows out some smoke, eyes swollen and he blinks a few times, as if getting used to the light.  
  
”Yeah.”  
”So…?”  
”So what?”  
”Come on, man, I’ve spent the last days on the road for this. Are you still together or not?”  
  
Deran smirks. It’s only now that Craig really sees the dark rings under his eyes, how absolutely exhausted his brother actually is. He rubs a hand over his face, scratching the stubble.  
  
”I told him, you know. That I love him.”  
”Wow…”  
  
He’s surprised. Not just a little but damn fucking surprised and Deran snickers.  
  
”It’s not like I had much more to loose, man.”  
”And what did he…?”  
”Nothing.”  
”Fuck… It’s uhm…”  
”It’s not over. We just don’t know what it is yet.”  
”Oh… Good. I guess.”  
  
The door opens and Adrian comes out, looking about as ragged as Deran.  
  
”Morning, Craig.”  
”Morning.”  
  
Adrian looks at Deran.  
  
”You didn’t wake me up.”  
”Figured you needed to sleep.”  
  
Deran sounds soft and Adrian takes the cigarette from him and takes a blow before leaning onto Deran’s shoulder, natural and easy. Deran puts his arm around him and kisses his hair, resting his mouth in it and Craig stops asking himself why the fuck he let Pope drag him along chasing after these two idiots.


	52. Deran

He’s too fucking clingy and it’s embarressing, but Adrian doesn’t seem to mind. Deran can’t stop touching him. Not in a way that’s too intimate for others to see – hell, he’s seen Craig doing a lot more private stuff openly without giving a shit – but it’s new and it feels weird considering how long they’ve known each other. As usual, Deran is unaware of how these kind of emotions work. All he knows is that he can’t seem to stand any distance now, as if he needs to feel physically that Adrian’s still there.  
  
Pope comes back with the breakfast – bacon and egg sandwiches, juice and coffee – and searching eyes, a hundred percent done with bullshit of any kind. He looks less like a psycho older brother and more like some kind of royally pissed off dad, ready to spank his unruly kids if he hears another stupid word from them. Luckily, it’s a gaze Deran, Craig and Adrian have no problem to read and they have their breakfast in relatively comfortable silence, the only one looking a bit uneasy being Craig, trapped between Pope’s firm gaze and Deran’s puppy eyes on Adrian. Yes, puppy eyes, and no, Deran doesn’t give a fuck now, because it feels like he just got his sanity back.  
  
It goes unsaid Deran will go with Adrian and Craig graciously offers to take Deran’s car back to Oceanside. Pope approves and that means it’s settled. No one wants to annoy Pope now, which could be said in most situations but this one’s truly a given.  
  
Deran wants to ask again, to make sure Adrian’s really okay with this. It’s a thin fucking line between begging and overruling and when they’re in the car, away from Pope’s ears, Deran bites his lip.  
  
”I’m… I’m not trying to force you to do anything, man.”  
”No?”  
  
Adrian’s smile is small, but warm, and he leans over to give Deran a soft kiss.  
  
”I know that, Deran. And you know I actually didn’t want to leave, right? I panicked.”  
”Okay.”  
”It’s just… This is all too much drama to fucking think of right now.”  
  
Deran laughs.  
  
”Yeah, you’re right about that.”  
”Lets just say we’re not making any fucking decisions right now except going home and… I don’t know… be a bit normal.”  
”I’m a criminal, you’re renting from a criminal, my criminal brothers helped me find you and…”  
”…and I’m fucking a criminal, yeah I’m aware.”  
  
Adrian’s weary eyes almost glitters a bit and his smile widens, sending a tug in Deran’s belly he forces himself to ignore. He needs to stay calm now and Adrian turns the key and follows Pope out on the highway.


	53. Adrian

They’re on their way back to Oceanside and they don’t talk much which probably is a good thing. They also keep their hands to themselves which is even better because Adrian’s fucking driving and his nerves are practically freyed now. Deran’s too, judging by how still and silent he sits. He’s occasionally falling asleep and Adrian remembers his friend has been running on caffein and panic ever since he took off.   
  
Adrian tries not to think of the shop. Or his apartment. He’s not actually moved out and the rent is paid for three months so at least he doesn’t have to look for a new place. The shop is another thing. By raising the rent, he’s not gonna afford keeping it and although all three Cody brothers have assured him he doesn’t need to worry about the rent, it’s still very worrying. He doesn’t want to depend on help from either Pope or Craig. Or Deran. If he does, how the hell will there ever be any fucking balance between them?  
  
It felt like he got far away, but now Adrian realises the reason for that was him blindly taking detours out of fear and paranoia. He never came very far, just drove around for a fucking long time, apparantly not half as focused as he felt when he left. No wonder he was exhausted. How the hell did he think he was gonna make it to fucking Oregon and what exactly was he supposed to do there, except for knocking on his parents door, not being let in and just end up miserable in another depressing motel room while realising he had to go back? Deran may have done a lot of stupid ass things throughout the years, but it seems like Adrian’s about to catch up.   
  
When they reach Oceanside, they’ve missed the waves and Adrian almost laughs for thinking that because how the everloving fuck is his mind working? He’s not taking the turn to his house, but to Deran’s bar and the man awakes when Adrian parks, looking confused.  
  
”We’re back? Already?”  
”You’ve slept.”  
”Not enough, man.”  
”Yeah, I’m pretty tired too.”  
  
Tired, confused, fucking lost. Adrian looks down at his hands, they’re shaking in his lap and he draws sharp breaths, one after another, trying to calm the sudden panic rushing through his body, only to see prickles for his eyes. He’s crying, leaning heavily on the steering wheel while sucking in air that never seems to be enough for his lungs and Deran helps unfasten his seat belt and holds him awkwardly, in an attempt to make him calm.  
  
Adrian tugs at his own hair until Deran holds his hands down and then Pope opens the car on Adrian’s side, helping to hold him still while Deran gets out and to Adrian’s side, almost pushing Pope away to take Adrian in his arms, shushing him the best he can.  
  
”We’re home now, babe. S’okay, we’re home… we’re home…”


	54. Deran

_Closed tonight due to personal matters. Opens again tomorrow, usual time._ Honestly, he can’t afford doing this much longer, but drastic circumstances need drastic matters and when he’s hung the sign on the door, locked and put the lights out, he goes to his bedroom/office and the man who’s already in bed, more or less asleep.  
  
Deran gets undressed and plugges his cell to charge, sets two different alarms just in case and puts the last light out. Adrian is laying close to the wall, the bed is narrow after all, and Deran gets under the blanket, pulling the almost sleeping form close. Adrian mumbles something and turns around, forming heavy arms around Deran, like a soft cradle.  
  
”You’re opening the bar tonight…?”  
”Tomorrow.”  
  
He’s bent down against Adrian’s chest, the man’s hand entangles in his hair and scratches the scalp softly.  
  
”Adrian…”  
”Yeah?”  
”Promise you don’t leave without…”  
  
Adrian nuzzles his hair.  
  
”I’m not leaving, I promise. I’ll be here when you wake up and I’m not running away, Deran. I swear. Pinky swear.”  
  
Deran smiles as his finger’s hooked with Adrian’s in a childish act that suddenly feels meaningful, silly as it is.  
  
”Pinky swear.”  
  
It should be him holding Adrian, not the other way around. It’s a weird idea he has that makes no fucking sense. Or maybe it does. Holding to protect or stop him from leaving. Or both. He doesn’t want to be controlling, he’s promised not to be that person anymore. He’s not _her_. He’s not _Smurf_. And Adrian’s arms are nothing like hers. Never has been.  
  
The things he’s done to not show himself vulnerable… And the last time he’s done pretty much the absolute opposite. Begged, wept, confessed. Panicked, admitted being hurt, comforted without adding a word of not being man enough, being a pussy or any other slur. It’s an almost terrifying change, but the man holding him has said it’s not actually a new Deran, but an old one coming back. One Deran had almost forgotten about, forced to hide and be ashamed of. Those days are over and he falls asleep in Adrian’s arms, easy as a child.


	55. Adrian

”Uncle Deran! Uncle Adrian!”  
  
They’re taking care of a delivery when Lena storms in followed by Pope and hugs the first she sees, which is Adrian, now apparently up-graded to uncle too, as if he was married to Deran, a thought that makes Adrian a little worried and he’s not sure why.  
  
”Hey, Lena!”  
  
She the sees her real uncle, putting down a box of beers and runs to hug him as well.  
  
”Hi, kiddo!”  
  
Adrian smiles at the scene. Working takes the mind off things pretty good, but he’s tired and Lena is genuinly happy to see them both, which feels nice. Deran looks a little surprised, but not uncomfortable and he ruffles Lena’s hair.  
  
”You missed us?”  
”Uh-huh. Where were you?”  
”Just a little trip. You want a snack or something?”  
  
She nods and Deran leaves the boxes with beer and takes Lena to the kitchen. Pope stays, glancing over the liquid goods.  
  
”How are you holding up?”  
”Good.”  
  
It’s only been a day and all he’s done is sleeping, eating, having a shower and helped Deran around the bar. None of them have been in any mood for thinking. Or feeling, for that matter. The best thing right now is that they both got to sleep without nightmares or worries. Adrian had almost forgotten how that felt like. Seems as if all they’ve had since Deran got raped and Adrian abducted, are worries of one kind or another. But to be honest, hasn’t that been the case ever since they came home from Belize? More worries than anything else. Pope gives him a hand with the boxes.  
  
”Lena likes you.”  
”She’s a sweet kid. Uhm… I didn’t ask her to, you know, call me uncle or anything.”  
  
Pope just raises his eyebrows.  
  
”Well, Deran’s her uncle and you’re with Deran.”  
”So?”  
”So, since you’re together it means if Deran’s her uncle she might find it natural that you are too. You want her to call you aunt instead, or what?”   
”She calls Lucy aunt?”  
”No…”  
  
Pope looks a little puzzled and Adrian smirks.   
  
”You’re a strange family, man. Really fucking strange. But Lena can call me uncle if she wants to. I don’t mind. Never met my own niece and I doubt I ever will, so I guess this is my only chance to be called uncle. If you and Baz don’t mind, of course.”  
”Why would he mind? He doesn’t care. And as far as I’m concerned, Lena could use an uncle that isn’t a complete fuck up, like the rest of us.”


	56. Deran

Working feels good. Takes his mind of stuff and Adrian’s there too, but in the back. Deran’s asked if he doesn’t want to have a beer in the bar, but he prefers staying in the office, reading. It’s puzzling. He could just as well be in his own apartment or out somewhere, seeing friends… Yeah, like Deran wouldn’t freak out. It’s far too easy being honest with himself these days, and by that feeling like a controlling asshole, even if he doesn’t intend to be one.  
  
It’s still early and Pope’s away on an errend somewhere – Deran’s stopped counting on Baz to show up and be a parent – while Adrian’s babysitting Lena in the office. The real question is why Smurf isn’t having her. Pope mentioned something about a trip and Deran honestly couldn’t care less where his psycho mom is, but it’s not like her being too occupied babysitting her only grandchild. Not that Deran holds any hope she’s actually caring about Lena, but Smurf probably finds her both useful and easy enough to keep around. Lena was surprisingly happy to see Deran and Adrian again. Pope, that’s not strange and thinking of it, Adrian’s so sweet any kid would love him – Deran’s not at all biased – but Deran’s not had much to do with her.  
  
Deran takes a minute while it’s still quite calm in the bar and goes to the office, opening the door just a little. Lena is already in her pajama and snuggled down in Adrian’s lap. They’re watching _Frozen_ and fucking sing a long with _Let It Go_ , not loud enough for the costumers to hear but still… Seriously? When did Deran’s bar turn into some kind of musical kindergarten?  
  
_”… funny how some distance, makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me, can’t get to me at all. It’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through.”  
  
_ The fuck? Adrian _knows_ this shit?  
  
_”Let it go, let it go, I am one with the wind and sky. Let it go, let it go, you’ll never see me cry. Here I stand and here I’ll stay. Let the storm rage on.”_  
  
Working feels good. Hearing this feels… weird, out of place and fucking awesome. Neither Adrian nor Lena is here freely, but it seems as if they get along. It distracts them both and although Deran’s not really sure about Lena, he’s pretty certain Adrian needs a distraction now. A bar is definately not an appropriate place for a kid, but Deran grew up with very adult parties on the other side of his bedroom door and more new faces leaving Smurf’s bedroom than from Pope’s, Baz’s or even Craig’s room. Compared to that, sitting with Adrian in an office space one door away from a bar feels quite kids friendly, come thinking about it. Actually, Deran envies them both.  
  
Still, it actually feels really good to be back in the bar, back in something that’s his own and not worrying about Adrian being gone somewhere in secret, hurt or taken or just fucking pissed off, not wanting to see him ever again.  
  
The way having Adrian near feels, just by being in the other room, makes Deran weak.


	57. Adrian

Pope’s picked up Lena a while ago and Deran’s just closed the bar. He looks really tired, hair in a scruffy bun and flushed cheeks. Adrian helps with the cleaning while Deran counts the daily taking.   
  
”Had a good night?”  
”Yeah, pretty. Thanks, man. For helping with Lena.”  
”Was really no troubles. Just had to watch _Frozen_ like three times before she fell asleep.”  
”Yeah, I heard. Great singing voice. Ever thought about joining a choir?”  
”Shut up.”  
  
Deran grins and Adrian sticks his tongue out, throwing a bottle cap at him before returning to wiping off the tables. The place smells from alcohol, smoke, people and the lemon in the cleaning soap. Water, slippery wet lemon… _Lemon…_    
  
”Adrian? What is it?”  
  
Wet lemon… The crumbles, sticky in his mouth. Lemon muffins and water. Two men, at least… And one woman. Pipes, concrete floor.   
  
”Come on, babe, what is it?”  
  
_We cannot keep him here!_ _I say we finish him. No! That wasn’t the deal!_  
  
”Adrian? Adrian?!”  
”Get off me! Stay away!”  
  
What’s happening? Where’s Deran? Adrian can hear but not see him. The smell of lemon in his nose, he can taste it as well and the sickly sweetness from the wet muffin. He’s throwing up, impulsions of food and water on the floor. Red stains.  
  
”You’re bleeding, man! Jesus… hold your nose!”  
  
The whole world fucking spins and he’s on his knees. Panicking. Clawing.  
  
”No-no-no, Adrian! Don’t… yeah, that’s better, hang onto me, babe. Easy now… I’m here…”  
  
The sickly sweet smell gives away for Deran’s scent and Adrian draws breath, sharply, almost whimpering into the checkered fabric of Deran’s shirt.  
  
”Deran…”  
”Yeah, I’m here, babe. I’m here, nothing’s gonna hurt you. I promise…”  
”I think I… I’m gonna pass out…”


	58. Deran

”I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to…”  
”Hey… Don’t even start, babe. Still feel sick?”  
”A little… What happened?”  
”You threw up, got fucking nose blood and then you passed out, man.”  
  
_And really fucking scared me._ Adrian’s heavy in his lap. They’re sitting on the floor, leaning at the bar counter for support and just wait. Deran has his hand on the phone but he’s not sure he needs to call an ambulance. Adrian came back really quick. Deran nuzzles his neck and strokes the hair, softly, as if petting a skittish cat.  
  
”What happened to you? What did they do?”  
”Kept me in darkness. And beat me. I couldn’t see anything. They fed me… lemon muffins.”  
”Lemon muffins?”  
”Yeah.”  
  
The smell from the cleaning soap… Of course. Deran puts the phone away and swirls his arms tighter around Adrian, like he could shut the memories out with his physical presense. Adrian lets out a sound, a mix between a sigh and a whimper.  
  
”You think… you think Smurf had anything to do with it?”  
  
He’s dreaded that question, because there’s no clear answer. It should be. The only reasonable thing should be that Deran said _of course not, how can you even think something like that, are you fucking crazy, this is my mother you’re talking about_ , but there’s nothing reasonable with Smurf and Deran can’t say for sure she didn’t have anything to do with Adrian getting hurt. Which is so awful, so fucking horrifying it makes Deran cold.  
  
”I… I don’t know.”  
  
He can’t lie. Somehow, Deran seems to have used up all the lies for Adrian and he holds him tighter.  
  
”This… Being with me, it’s ruining you…”  
  
He’s never said it out loud, only thought it to himself sometimes when he’s been unable to stop his head. Adrian’s face is sticky and swollen, there are bloodstains on Deran’s t-shirt and the bar feels empty and inhospitable. Like they’ve taken cover in an abandoned building, waiting out some really ugly weather that only seems to linger, while they lick their wounds.  
  
”It’s not you, Deran… It’s…”  
”Smurf. I know. God, I know… You shouldn’t… Fuck, Adrian, you shouldn’t have to deal with this shit. It’s… I don’t know, it’s fucking following me and when you’re with me…”  
  
_When you’re with me, the shit I’ve tried to leave behind catches up on me and you’re dragged into it and end up hurt._  
  
”Never wanted to believe she’d…”  
”I’m not saying she did this, Deran. It’s crazy, too fucking disorganized… I mean, half of the time they didn’t even seem to know why they’d kidnapped me. Doesn’t sound like Smurf.”  
  
Adrian’s right, it doesn’t. It sounds like some really inexperienced shit heads who got the wrong guy or just didn’t understand what the job was about. Who the hell kidnaps an unknown man, keeps him blindfolded for days, feeds him fucking lemon muffins and the suddenly releases him close to a fucking hospital? It makes no sense what so ever.


	59. Adrian

He’s not used to it, but it’s not hard to become. Deran’s tenderness. In Belize, it was so clouded with confusion and back home, fear added to it as well. Skittish hands, strained breaths and roughness, but now there’s only tenderness. Patience. Adrian’s nausea is gone, but he’s got a bad headache and his body screams for rest.   
  
Deran’s put him on the bed while he arranges the larger mattress on the floor, helps Adrian off with shoes and clothes and finds another bucket in case there’s need for one. A couple of Advils and then a disgusting cap of minty tasting flour to rinse the worst taste of pukes away and a wet cloth to bathe Adrian’s face and especially the nose. Like he’s a fucking damsel in distress. But he’s not scared anymore. The panic is gone, mostly he’s just sore and extremely tired and Deran’s calm and efficiant moves are helping a lot.  
  
”Lay down.”  
  
He doesn’t really need help with that, but he lets Deran hold him anyway and the mattress  feels… like fucking heaven, for some reason. Soft and firm, the sheet and blanket just amazing when Deran tucks him in.   
  
”You’re not coming to bed?”  
”In a minute, babe.”  
  
The blonde hair tickles him as he gets a small kiss on his cheek and then Deran moves to get ready for the night too. Adrian watches him from the mattress, how he undresses and hangs the shirt, the jeans and the t-shirt on his office chair. He walks to the bathroom to brush his teeth and then comes back to lie down next to Adrian under the blanket.  
  
Adrian moves closer to let Deran’s arm cradle him and he sighs.  
  
”What is it?”  
”Just glad you’re letting me stay here.”  
  
Deran pulls him closer, his arms feel so strong now, probably because of the exhaustion and Adrian can’t help but feeling so… safe and comfortable. Deran nuzzles his hair.  
  
”I love you.”  
  
He’s said it before but now Adrian’s unable to stop the instinct the fear and pain’s been holding back for so long.   
  
”I love you too.”  
  
It’s as easy as breathing. Four little words that have been stuck in his chest. And he cries. Deran just holds him and Adrian cries, years of frustration, loneliness and insecurity welling out of him like a ice finally giving in to the warmth and melting like a spring down his spine, slowly easing the tension once again.


	60. Deran

He’d not expected this. Hearing it back. Like, he really didn’t. He’s become used to think and even say it himself and Adrian is easy to love. Not easy like in easy for Deran, but as a person. Adrian is a sweet, lovable person and Deran isn’t. He’s a goddamn animal Adrian’s only managed to tame enough to keep inside. And he loves him. Despite all the shit that’s happened, no matter if it was Deran’s own fault or just the inevitable bad stuff coming with a family like his, Adrian’s still able to love him.  
  
No one except Smurf has ever told Deran that and he can’t remember saying it to anyone else but her or Adrian. Does he love Smurf? She definately doesn’t love him or anyone but herself, a lesson Deran’s been taken ever since he was born without really understanding it, constantly seeking Smurf’s approval and love in a neverending hunt. A mother’s love is supposed to be unconditioned. Your parent should love you no matter what, that’s the idea, but for Deran as for Pope, Julia, Craig and Baz, it’s never been about that. It’s about power, competition, fighting a constant battle for attention and reward.  
  
It was never about love and even though Deran’s fairly sure that Craig and Pope love him, that they all love each other in their own sometimes fucked up ways, it’s still so different from what he feels for Adrian. He’s never been afraid he’ll loose Craig or Pope, that they would stop caring about him should he disappoint them or just fuck things up royally. He’s feared them, feared they’d get pissed and beat the shit out of him, but not abandon him altogether. Smurf, on the other hand, wants them all to feel that fear and she’s been successful. No one but a Cody can truly love a Cody, but what if there was no love to begin with? If not even a Cody mother can love a Cody son, what does that say?  
  
Adrian’s still crying and all Deran’s able to do now, is holding him. It doesn’t feel like it’s enough, that Deran isn’t even close to enough but it has to do for now. They love each other, they’ve finally confirmed it, both of them without a cloud of unconsciousness, drugs or booze to make it easier to handle – or dismiss.  
  
The scent from Adrian’s sunkissed neck is full of sweetness. Deran remembers how he buried his face in it, the morning after they’d slept together for the first time, how he pulled Adrian’s scent deep and no longer had to wonder what he would smell like. How addictive it became. Deran strokes Adrian’s chest  in circling moves, waiting for him to stop crying. Patience is not a trademark for the Cody family. Whatever they want, they want it now and no matter how much Smurf’s talked about the importance of patience, she really never wanted any of them to be patient. She wants her pack of dogs hungry and desperate for her, to fight against each other for a place in her lap. To always feel like she can give them anything and if she denies them, they wont find anyone else who’ll give them what they need.  
  
Adrian’s ability to see, accept and even love Deran for something that has nothing to do with being useful, loyal or depending, is the very opposite of Smurf’s form of ”love”. Deran’s the only one in the family who’s ever left like that without letting anyone know, the only one who’s put Smurf through that kind of ordeal. The bar isn’t something she has anything to do with and Adrian isn’t someone she’s controlling. Neither are Deran’s feelings. Not anymore.


	61. Adrian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tao is the name of Adrian's co-worker, I just learned. Thank you, TP48!

He’s trying not to think about what an idiot he’s looking like in Tao’s eyes. Or his friend’s. Adrian’s not very close to anyone but Deran and the few people he hangs out with are either surfers or lbgt, sometimes both. The people they see at the skateboard rink or at parties are more or less common acquaintances but Adrian’s own little circle of buddies are less than impressed by him now. Just leaving town like an idiot, claiming he’s giving up the shop out of the blue and then coming back just a few days later, opening it again like nothing happened. People probably think he’s crazy and they’re not wrong.  
  
He cried for what felt like hours the other night, before falling asleep in Deran’s arms. He wouldn’t say he feels alright now, but it’s better than yesterday. That means, he’s not crying or unable to work, though he’s jumping everytime someone’s at the door to the shop and he realises he’s looking at his tools to figure out what could make the best weapon if someone tries to attack him.  
  
He’s hyper vigilant and by lunchtime more or less knackered and so tense his shoulders feel like they’ve been locked in a vice. Tao throws concerned looks at him but doesn’t say anything and what would he say anyway? _Are you okay?_ What would Adrian answer? _Of course I am._ Or maybe a little bit of truth for once. _No, I’m not. I’ve been kidnapped, my boyfriend’s been raped and we’re both stuck in fucking limbo, but otherwise it’s fine. You don’t happen to know a good therapist?_  
  
”Adrian?”  
  
The knock on the door has him turn around from the board and there he stands. Adrian just takes his goggles off and without thinking about who might see them, he walks the few steps and leans his head against Deran’s shoulder. At first he’s worried he went too far, but then he feels the strong arms around his waist.  
  
”Jesus… You look like you’re about to fall asleep standing.”  
  
Deran’s voice is just a soft murmur but it keeps Adrian from crashing completely again.  But he’s crying. Silent and calm, but it’s still fucking tears and he’s unable to stop them. He feels so relieved seeing Deran again as if they didn’t spend the night together and only have been separated a few hours since this morning.  
  
”Fuck… you’re bleeding.”  
  
Is he? Yeah, apparently. Deran’s shoulder is stained and Adrian scrambles to sit down on a stool, pinching his nose. The world is spinning again and Deran’s fetching paper to stop the bleeding.  
  
”We… You gotta see a doctor, man.”  
”It’ll pass.”  
”No. Listen to me, Adrian. You have to see a fucking doctor, I’m serious, and I’m taking you to see one now.”


	62. Deran

The smell. It brings memories back. Maybe he was too worried the last time, when Adrian had been gone, to notice how similar it is to the one in the private clinic in Mexico. One that, for the right amount of money, wouldn’t ask any unnecessairy questions or make any unwanted notes in a medical reccord. Shame is expensive, so is fear and Adrian isn’t the only one who’s triggered by certain smells.  
  
Waiting while the doc is examining Adrian is gruesome. What if Adrian gets scared again? What if he thinks Deran’s left him alone? What if the doc isn’t gentle with him… The thought of that almost makes Deran leave the chair and walk straight into the examination room to threaten the staff, but he’s not Pope and his impulsive traits rarely show when he’s calm enough to think twice. Deran remains seated, tugging at his sleeve, biting his nails and drumming his knees to keep himself from punching the wall and scream.  
  
A sharp smell from clinically cleaned intstruments and sheets. Deran doesn’t want to remember how he had to sit straight in the car and act like nothing was wrong, while they crossed the border and how Pope, once they were out of sight, stopped the car and helped him to lay down in the backseat, crying pathetically from the pain.  
  
”Deran Cody?”  
”Yeah?”  
  
He looks up at a nurse who smiles friendly.   
  
”The doctor will be with your boyfriend for a while, but there’s nothing serious.”  
”You’re sure?”  
”Yes. We ran some tests and they all came back negative. He’s in excellent physical health.”  
”Except from passing out and puking and bleeding out of nowhere. Excuse me, what’s that smell?”  
”Smell?”  
”Yeah, it’s…”  
  
Deran vaguely gestures and the nurse looks confused.  
  
”You mean the alcohol swab?”  
”Mr. Cody, are you alright?”  
”What? Yeah, I’m fine, it’s just… Tell me when I can see him, alright?”  
”Of course. You need some water?”  
”Uhm… No, no thank you… Christian.”  
  
He doesn’t know why he says the nurse’s name, but the guy seems friendly and Deran needs that right now. Some fucking signs of basic decency.


	63. Adrian

Except from highly tense muscles, there’s nothing wrong with him. It’s all psychosomatic and Adrian isn’t surprised but since Deran seems relieved by having it confirmed, it’s probably good they went to the clinic. Not that they need to guess where it’s coming from. It’s all about fear. Of what happened, of the possibility it will happen again, of the people responsible for it. Of being reminded. They both live through that kind of fear, each in their own way and for their own reasons, every day. Rape. Kidnapping. Meaningless fucking violence.  
  
Deran seems shaky and strangely fragile, unwilling to let go of Adrian’s hand even for a second, but Adrian doesn’t mind because he’s unwilling to let go of Deran too. They will probably let him leave the clinic as soon as he’s strong enough to actually walk which shouldn’t take very long. They’ve given him squash to help his blood sugar and whatever meds they’ve given him, they really decreased the nausea and headache. If only they didn’t also make him so fucking tired.   
  
”You’re still feeling sick?”  
”No. Just… tired.”  
  
And weak. It doesn’t feel like when he was taken to hospital after the kidnapping, but more like when he was a small kid and had a high fever. When mom and dad would look after him, tuck him to bed, comfort him when it hurt…  
  
”I… I want my mom…”  
  
No, there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s just sore, nauseous and so fucking miserable he’s forgetting who cares and not. Who comforts him and who doesn’t. Who’s shirt he’s wetting his damn tears with and who didn’t even want to talk to him when he called home.    
  
”I’m so sorry, Deran… So sorry I…”  
”Hey… Don’t. This isn’t your fault, man. You’re not… stupid or weak or whatever the hell you think you are. I… The smell in here, you feel it?”  
”What smell?”  
”When I… When Pope took me to that clinic after… I felt this smell. In here, I felt it back there too when I’d… After what… When that bastard…”  
  
Deran’s hands are tightening around him.   
  
”When he… _raped_ me. When that… fucking creep… _cocksucking fucking animal fucking raped me_. The smell… I felt it then… The smell in here… Can’t stop… thinking about it no matter what I… Fuck, what I mean is… I think I understand. A little. I threw the lemon soap in the garbage, man. Wont use it again, ever.”


	64. Deran

What he wanted to say was that nothing bad would ever happen to him again. No flashbacks, no fucking triggers, no fear and the assholes would pay for what they did. That Adrian would never have to be afraid for anyone or anything because Deran would protect him. He never meant to share another part of his most secret, well-hidden wound. Adrian never saw him at his worst after the rape. Pope was the one trusted to care without exposing him, because he was family, but so is Adrian. He’s the family Deran chooses and it makes the bond so much more vulnerable, but also stronger.  
  
There are three times when he thought he’d lost Adrian in one way or another. At first when Adrian left him openly for good reasons. Then, when he disappeared and finally when he sent the voicemail after Deran thought they were starting to build something again. The third one hurt the most. When he actually packed and took off, seriously leaving Deran behind after they’d been together again, like a real couple. It felt like the ultimate proof that Deran was a lost case, impossible to try again with in any way and not even worthy of an explanation.  
  
He wants to tell the sick man that he’s stronger now. That he’s not dragged down by shit from his past, but perfectly fit to take care of Adrian until he’s better and not let his own demons get in the way. Problem is, it would be a lie. Putting words to his own pain may seem wrong in this situation, like he’s trying to put himself and his own issues before Adrian’s, even silencing him, but that wasn’t the intention and it’s not the outcome of it either. It makes Adrian talk.  
  
It’s erratic, sometimes with long moments of silence or the opposite, fast and rambling words with no real thread to follow except for the pain, the fear, the loneliness and the gut-wrenching sorrow. Adrian asks for forgiveness despite he’s done nothing wrong and Deran doesn’t know where his own calm and patience comes from because you never really know how strong you are until you’re faced with shit you’re not prepared for. And the more Adrian talks, the less this horrible situations seems like something Smurf would do.  
  
It’s hard to explain and Deran knows better than most what his mother is capable of, but this is just not her style. She doesn’t take risks without covering every possible outcome. She’s a control freak if ever there was one and while raising the rent definately was her way of telling Adrian he shouldn’t get too close with Deran – far too late for that warning, by the way – she wouldn’t put this much effort in something as simple as a relationship she doesn’t favour. The risks are way too high and she’s not stupid. She knows hurting Adrian in one way or another wouldn’t bypass Deran’s attention and that the five weeks in Belize without telling would be nothing to the distance that action would create between them. It would be irreparable and Deran’s not sure how he knows Smurf understands that, but he does and the calm that follows that certainty, even if he can’t explain it, is what makes him stay strong now.  
  
Deran’s not sure how or when, but he’ll find the asshole who raped him and he’ll find the bastards who took Adrian and make them all know what happens when you cross a violent, reckless and vengeful fag, raised by a coldhearted bitch and three thug brothers.  


	65. Smurf

”You know I won’t tell them.”  
”Do I?”  
”There’s no one here who’ll hear us and you can stop pretending you don’t know what I’m talking about.”  
  
No, she can’t. Lena is playing in the pool with Craig and this is not the right time or place for this kind of conversation. Pope looks out on the innocent scene and Smurf, not for the first time, wonders if any of her kids could ever understand what growing up in hell really feels like. She’s given them all she could, more than most kids could ever dream of and it’s still not enough. The pie crust is almost ready and Pope looks over the kitchen island as if searching for poison.  
  
”I didn’t hurt the boy.”  
”Adrian. He has a name and it’s Adrian.”  
”I know Deran’s little friends, baby, I don’t need an introduction.”  
”No, but you need a reminder.”  
”Of what?”  
  
Pope laughs and as always, the sound of it sends a shiver of cold down Smurf’s spine.  
  
”Don’t tell you don’t know what Belize was about. Deran didn’t go there alone, Smurf. Adrian went with him and if you don’t understand what that means, you’re either a complete idiot or in fucking denial. And we both know you’re not an idiot.”  
”That was two years ago.”  
”Yes. Two years of something a lot more than fucking surfing and don’t pretend that didn’t concern you.”  
”You know how important it is to not let the wrong people in…”  
”Ah, because J and Nicky went through a long trial period… Give me a fucking break! Adrian wouldn’t rat on us because he’d never hurt Deran and you know that. He’s your fucking tenant and if that’s not a hold on him, what is? He knows he’d come crashing down with us if he talks to the wrong people and he never has.”  
”Doesn’t mean he never wont.”  
”They love each other, Smurf! What they have goes years back. This isn’t like Baz and Julia, or Baz and Cath, J and Nicky or I don’t know… Craig and fucking whoever. Deran’s not your little baby anymore and he’ll cut you off if you try to ruin things for him. If you hurt Adrian or make anyone else hurt him…”  
”I would never do that!”  
”Then who did?”  
”I don’t know!”  
  
She doesn’t. She really doesn’t. More than anything, Smurf hates the feeling of losing control. Adrian is someone she can’t control, not when both Deran and Pope can stop her. Smurf’s powerful, but she’s not omnipotent and if Deran’s no longer fearing the loss of her approval more than the loss of that boy, it’s too late to make any threats or promises to break that bond.  
  
The oven clicks and Smurf looks down at the pie crust. She’s not sure why she’s making it. Her boys are no longer coming home to her after a job to celebrate or get comforted and scolded at, but the simple, homey task makes her feel good. It makes her feel like a good mother and grandmother, someone her son’s and granddaughter can come home to and celebrate or just having a nice family dinner. Things she never experienced growing up. Except for Baz, none of them knows how it feels to go to bed hungry.  
  
She didn’t hurt Adrian, she didn’t bother sending someone after him because he’s no one important to her. Just an ordinary kid obsessed with surfing just like Deran and no threat to the family. Smurf knew years ago Deran didn’t like girls, she’s watched him try to be like his brothers and it’s been calming to see, because with Deran she knew no one would ever do and that only made the bond between them stronger. Deran is her baby in so many ways, because unlike Pope, Craig and Baz, whatever girl he might drag home, she would never be a real threat.  
  
Smurf doesn’t really use these words in her mind, she’s the master of self-delusion when it suits her, but the words Deran spoke the night he opened the bar, are not so easily forgotten. _It’s not okay. ’Cause I can’t fuck you. Isn't that what you want? To feel like that's what I want? I guess you're gonna have to see if Pope and Craig are into it because, you know, Baz isn't your real son, so it makes it less interesting._  
  
”There’s nothing to tell anyone, Pope. I do a lot to protect this family, you of all should know that! But I didn’t send anyone to harm that kid, I swear.”  
  
She’s telling the truth and the realisation that both Pope and definately Deran actually suspect her hurts, because she wouldn’t take such drastic measures unless she was out of options. Sooner or later, that little surfer boy will realise that whatever he has with Deran, it’s simply not worth the trouble. And thanks to Pope, Smurf now knows far more about that little supposedly strong bond.  
  
The door to the terrace opens and Lena comes running in with her tovel around her.  
  
”Grandma Smurf! I can swim!”  
  
Smurf gives Lena the warmest smile and hugs her.  
  
”That’s my Californian girl, Lena Ruh! Lets celebrate with pie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is the last chapter of "Restless Waters", but definately not the last chapter of this series. I just prefer to divide this story in a little bit more manageble pieces, since it has taken a fairly jumpy and sometimes unexpected ride since "Far Up High". 
> 
> And as you now know, Smurf is not behind the kidnapping, so who is?! Well, I've not intended to never reveal it, of course, but there are a lot of things I'm trying to fix together in this story and I hope you're not too disappointed I didn't reveal it in this part. The next part, which I intend to start posting asap, will take on where this one stopped and the only reason I stop here, is because it helps me managing the story better.
> 
> I love this fandom, all the great comments are the best "payment" a fanfic author could ask for and I hope you're coming with me to the next part of "Belize Shadow". You're awesome and I love you all <3


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